Wednesday, May 4, 2011

May the FOURTH Be with you

Happy National Star Wars Day!!

Am I a nerd? Yes.
Am I proud of it? FRICK YA!
Am I currently watching Star Wars Episode IV? YOU KNOW IT.
Am I wearing my Darth Vader shorts and Han Solo Shirt that reads "Hustler"? Maybe...

However awesome it is that today is NSWD, it still got started sucky -_-

I had my final exam in my Abnormal Psych class, which starts at 10 AM. Since it's my first class I usually leave 30 minutes before class, which gives me plenty of time to drive over, find a parking spot, and then make the hike to class. I'm usually there about 5 minutes before class starts. I like being on time :)

BUT, a few weeks ago, my mother's car broke down and is now parked out in the hot sun getting dirty. My car is actually my parents, so whenever my mom needs a car I give her the keys. It always works out well too and doesn't conflict with my schedule at all. But this morning, she decided to drive my car to the gym. Usually, this isn't a problem as long as she's home by 9:30 or I have my things for class out of the car. Unfortunately, I left all of my scantrons in the backseat. You can see why I started to panic when it hit 9:40 and she wasn't answering her phone or the texts I was sending. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. I even started crying. Haha so lame...darn you hormones! You make everything so much more dramatic!!!!

A few minutes later my mom pulled up and I sped to class. After finally finding a parking spot, I realized I didn't have my wallet and got super lucky that I didn't get pulled over for speeding...I was doing at least a 45. Yeah. I was freaked out about missing the exam.

So although my morning got off to a bad start and I'm pretty sure I did horrible on my exam, I kept positive and did my best to survive until lunchtime..

Which is when I met up with The Couple at my favorite place ever for lunch..


Seriously, that place is so amazing. I brought Jessica with me and introduced her to the deliciousness that is Costa.
Mmmm <3 I'm missing it already, even though my stomach is still full from eating there 6 hours ago. Yeah, it's THAT good.
If you haven't eaten at Costa, I suggest you crawl out of the hole you call your life and go eat some NOW.
You won't regret it.

I always get the shredded beef salad with everything on it and extra ranch <3
I know what you're thinking...

"A salad? Really, Hannah? You're freaking lame."

For that comment I should smack you!
Their salads are the
Go eat one.
Your taste buds and tummy will be thanking me.

ANYWAYS, enough about the yummyness...

The Couple was sweet and awesome, as usual. I honestly love them so much. They deserve a baby!! Even if the other birthmother they are talking to claims them before I get a chance to. That's cool. Just get them a stinking baby already!!
They are both so sweet and funny and just an awesome couple!

I explained to them a little more about Brandon and all the drama that has happened with him, including the time where he came to my house and yelled at my parents and myself. I also told them about our experience with the Adoption Case Manager (David) and about Brandon's reaction when he got served the papers. I could tell they were both aghast at how he treated me...funny how it doesn't even phase me anymore. It means a lot o me to know that they sincerely do care about me and not just the baby I'm carrying.

But, overall lunch was awesome and I'm very glad that I went and Jessica did too :) She likes them.

However, all good thing must come to an end....

A few minutes ago I received a phone call from a lady in my stake..
she wanted to talk to my mother, but after I told her that my mom had already left for work she asked if she could just talk to me...I said alright, and cue the *sigh*

She asked how things with the pregnancy were going. I know it's not a secret that my eggo is preggo, but it still surprises me when people I didn't tell start talking about it. Haha. I told her that things have been pretty alright and the pregnancy has been pretty easy for me. She then started telling me about her niece and nephew who were looking to adopt and what amazing parents they would be. I asked if they were on the It's About Love website and asked their names so I could look them up.

This isn't the first time that someone has told me about someone they knew who was looking to adopt.

Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand why people would tell me that. But honestly, it kinda bugs me. It's just so awkward for me to sit here and have people plead their cases or the cases of others to me. It just breaks my heart to know that so many people are without children..but to plead with me for my's just weird and depresses me. I'm already torn enough by everything that is going on. I know that everyone just wants the best for me and for my daughter and they feel such pain and sympathy that I have to make this decision, but no one knows exactly how I am feeling.

I hope I don't sound all lame and depressive and whiny. I promise, I'm not haha. This is just such and awkward position to be in, and I've never been one who likes to share my feelings. This posting everything on a blog thing is so new to me, and although it is helping me cope with my emotions better it is still so weird. I feel like such a baby...haha

But I guess what I am trying to say is please don't plead the case of a couple you know who is looking to adopt to a potential birthmother.

This is the hardest thing for a single pregnant woman to do. The last thing any of us want is more sorrow and pleading.

Also, I've been texting my mom throughout this post about the sister who called. Just now, she said:

"Are you just unsure or leaning towards keeping?"

To which I responded:

"I'm really split down the middle. I want her so bad...and I know I'm not the only one. Don't lie to me. You want her just as bad as I do. If not more."

I'm in tears now. Especially after her last message...

"Hannah, she is yours to keep or give."

That doesn't help me at all! It makes it even worse knowing how badly my family wants this baby.
This whole situation is just horrible. I don't wish it upon anyone, even the people who are jerks and say horrible things about me. I hope none of you readers ever have to go through this. And if you do, please talk about it. Don't keep it locked up inside. Pregnancy is hard already. Don't make it tougher by keeping in all these emotions!!! (Not that you can really keep it in long, anyways. Sooner or later you will have a breakdown like I did and it will suuuucccckkkk. So don't go there.)

I have such a tough decision ahead of me. I just wish it was one I didn't have to make.


  1. i've never been to costa vida.. i'm a horrible person. :(

  2. Missed you at group today.
    I totally agree about people trying to get you to pick their adoptive couple. It's all awkward and such.
    The decision making is yours and it shouldn't be swayed by anyone else's opinion on what you should do, or if you place who you should place with.
    You'll know what is right.
    Keep your head up.

  3. You dont' know me, and I don't mean to go all baby on you, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

    I was 23 when I had my little girl. Her father wanted nothing to do with her and I was in no mind frame to be a single mother. The pregnancy was great and I bonded so much with her. I looked into other options but when it came right down to it, I knew that little girl was mine and I didn't want to regret anything later in life.

    I won't lie to you. It's hard as hell. Having a little person that demands your attention 99% of the time. I lucked out cause I found a man when she turned 2, and he's been great. But I do promise you that it can be SO rewarding.

    I know how you feel, torn, lost, confused. I get it and by the sound of it, your family will stand behind you 100%. Families are strong and they can handle it.

    When the time comes, you'll make the right choice. If you have any questions, by all means somedays it's easier to talk to a stranger and my ears are open to listen.

    Be strong, it's about you <3

  4. K Hann- I am for sure ogoing to try out costa vida, in fact I wish we could go right now! I would love to catch up with you. I saw your mom today and talked with her for a long time. I feel like SOME of the emotions you are feeling I can relate to, some, not all. If you ever want to talk I am a phone call away. 928-245-0298
    Love you
    PS I am in town right now (Sat may 7) now and if you want I would love to take you to dinner! Call if you are up to it tonight and not busy