Monday, May 2, 2011

Last Tuesday..

Last Tuesday, I met The Couple, whom I have been e-mailing for the past month or so.  
That morning I woke up, showered, and tried to get somewhat cute and presentable. As of late, I have been so dang tired that I usually just throw on a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt and run to school.
Okay, not literally run, but drive really really fast to make sure that I'm not late to class.

During my lunch break and drove over to my Bestie's house and ate some fatty-awesome Taco Bell with her. Our schedules are both so hectic that we hardly talk or hang out any more. It's quite depressing. We talked and caught up on life, and everything was okay...until I started crying. I am so torn about what I am going to do once Brandon's time to file is up. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. I explained to her how lost and confused I feel. I want to be this child's mother. So badly. I want to hold her and kiss her and just love her forever. I want her to be mine. Expressing this is so painful. I'm sobbing as I write this. My brother sitting on the couch is trying to awkwardly ignore me. Poor kid...hahha.

Driving to meet The Couple, I teared up even more. I hate being so emotional!! When I got there I took a few minutes with my Caseworker and collected my self. I felt like such a mess, and knew I looked a mess too! It was horrible. I had actually taken time to prepare myself and look good, and I end up crying and getting that red poofy look! Not appealing. Luckily my caseworker is an angel and after I had calmed down she brought in the couple. She also did most of the talking, since I couldn't really form complete sentences. I talked when I felt like it, for the most part. I answered some questions, and even cracked some jokes. It wasn't awkward at all talking to them! I can honestly say I adore this couple. They are both so fun, outgoing, and loving! I told them a little about the Brandon situation, and I could tell how heartbroken for me they were. For me! I mean, I bet they were excited because this situation could bring them a child, but I could see in their eyes how sad they were that I was going through this and all the pain Brandon has brought to my life. At the end of our little chat (one hour later...which really felt like only a couple minutes), we hugged and said our goodbyes. They said they would contact me soon and we'd all go out for lunch or something.

After they left I felt good about meeting them, but cried some more. I seriously cry so much. It's embarrassing. I have always felt really uncomfortable talking about my emotions and what I'm really feeling. Lately it has gotten even worse, and I blame that on pregnancy. Darn you, hormones!!!

So, overall my experience with The Couple was amazing. I love them! And I really hope that, even if not through me, they find a child soon. I know that they are currently talking to another girl, but that doesn't really bother me. It just makes me excited for them! They are awesome and deserve a baby soon!

I received an e-mail from them later on that night saying how happy they were to finally be able to put a face to my e-mails. We have continued contact, and even exchanged phone numbers and are planning to get lunch on Wednesday. I invited my mother to come too...but she's just not ready for that. I understand but it breaks my heart even more to see her hurting about this than anything else I have experienced thus far.

I wish there was an easy button.

Seriously, how amazing would it be to have one like in the Staples commercials? You just push it, and the right choice was placed before you! I can just hear the "That was easy.."

Sadly, life isn't easy. But maybe I'll just get myself one of those buttons anyways just for laughs.

I am so excited for what the future holds. Yet, at the same time, I am terrified.
I guess only time will tell.


ps excuse my odd colors. Blogger and I are not getting along today. Haha :)

1 comment:

  1. word of the blog - fattyawesome. love it!

    hannah bo bannah, i know this is hard, and whatever decision you make is best for your little girl. you know that god will tell you what is right, so just continue doing what you're doing and taking the right steps to make sure she's ok, and everything will fall into place. i love you baby girl!