Sunday, May 15, 2011

Difficult Decisions

This past week it finally hit me.

I am down to the last 5 weeks, and this baby could come anytime now.
Most people would be excited and overjoyed...
but I'm not.

I am completely depressed.

All I do is cry anymore.
I feel like I can't even function.

I have tried to keep myself occupied with crafts, cleaning, looking for a job, and doing whatever I possibly can to keep my mind set positive.
But it has all caught back up with me. Just like I knew it would.

I know what I need to do and what is best for this baby.
I just wish things were different.
I am so completely heartbroken and torn.
My heart honestly feels like it was sent through a paper shredder.

There is nothing I want more than to hold my daughter in my arms and never let go.
I want to be the one who gets to bathe her, and change her diapers, and kiss her boo boos.
I want to hold her when she cries.
I want her to know my family, and I want them to know her.
I want my parents to spoil her rotten, like grandparents do.
But most of all,
I want to be her mother.
But I can't.

And it absolutely kills me to know that.

I feel like an absolute failure.
I know I am being irrational and dramatic, but I can;t help it.

What is best for my daughter, isn't ideal for me.
At all.
And I really really don't want to go through with this.
I really don't want to let her go.

Yes, I would get to see her from time to time and that I would receive pictures...
but that's it.
She would have her own family.
Her own mother.
And it wouldn't be me.

I would just be Hannah.

Npw, I know I could keep her....
But it would be difficult.
Extremely difficult.
I would have to do everything on my own.
Yes, I have tons of family support and friends that will help out...
but at the end of the day, it's just me and my daughter.

And if I keep her, it means that Brandon could come in at anytime and fight me for custody...

I cannot let that happen.

As difficult as choosing adoption is, I will do whatever it takes to keep Brandon away from her.
She deserves the best life possible.

and sadly...
it's not with me.


  1. Aw! I'm so sorry! You are not being dramatic at all. This is a big deal and while I can't relate, I know that this would be so difficult. You are so strong and a wonderful woman. I admire you a lot for being able to do this. You are doing the ultimate selfless thing by giving your baby to a family who will also love her. Keep being strong. I know I can't really do much from here, but know thatni am here for you and I will be praying
    For you, your little girl, and her adoptive family. Let me know if there is anything I can do. :)

  2. Have you asked God what to do? It seems like you have lots of love and support from your family and from your church, and I know you're a strong woman. If keeping her away from Brandon is the biggest thing compelling your decision, I think you should rethink it. There's lots of ways to keep him at a far distance, I know from experience. I know I'm not sounding very supportive of this and I'm sorry for that, but I believe in you :) You're stronger than I'll ever be for just considering this. I know I could never do it. Anyway, I'm here for you if you ever want someone to talk to :)

  3. Thanks girls...this is really a tough time for me.

    But Brandon isn't the only reason why I feel adoption is the right choice. But is he what finally helped me make up my mind.

  4. Sweet hannah. I don't even know what to say except you are a stong woman and my prayers are with you that you will be comforted in this hard time. I love you call me if you ever what to!!!

  5. I would also say pray. If you know what is right then I would pray for comfort in that decision. The love of a mother is so hard to describe or express. The Lord knows you can do it. He will help you through every step no matter how hard you may think it will be, he'll make it easier. He entrusted this little girl to you because he knew you would be able to make this hard decision. And she is so lucky to have a mom like you. Even if you only get to see her occasionally, you are still an important part of her.

  6. Hannah, you are such a strong beautiful woman. I know that I have no idea what you're going through. But I can tell you as an adopted baby myself, that your daughter will always love you and hold a special place for you in her heart for the selfless act that you're doing in giving her up for adoption. I have so much respect for you, and am here if you ever want to talk. or eat ice cream.