This past week it finally hit me.
I am down to the last 5 weeks, and this baby could come anytime now.
Most people would be excited and overjoyed...
but I'm not.
I am completely depressed.
All I do is cry anymore.
I feel like I can't even function.
I have tried to keep myself occupied with crafts, cleaning, looking for a job, and doing whatever I possibly can to keep my mind set positive.
But it has all caught back up with me. Just like I knew it would.
I know what I need to do and what is best for this baby.
I just wish things were different.
I am so completely heartbroken and torn.
My heart honestly feels like it was sent through a paper shredder.
There is nothing I want more than to hold my daughter in my arms and never let go.
I want to be the one who gets to bathe her, and change her diapers, and kiss her boo boos.
I want to hold her when she cries.
I want her to know my family, and I want them to know her.
I want my parents to spoil her rotten, like grandparents do.
But most of all,
I want to be her mother.
But I can't.
And it absolutely kills me to know that.
I feel like an absolute failure.
I know I am being irrational and dramatic, but I can;t help it.
What is best for my daughter, isn't ideal for me.
And I really really don't want to go through with this.
I really don't want to let her go.
Yes, I would get to see her from time to time and that I would receive pictures...
but that's it.
She would have her own family.
Her own mother.
And it wouldn't be me.
I would just be Hannah.
Npw, I know I could keep her....
But it would be difficult.
I would have to do everything on my own.
Yes, I have tons of family support and friends that will help out...
but at the end of the day, it's just me and my daughter.
And if I keep her, it means that Brandon could come in at anytime and fight me for custody...
I cannot let that happen.
As difficult as choosing adoption is, I will do whatever it takes to keep Brandon away from her.
She deserves the best life possible.
it's not with me.