One small comment can ruin your day..

So I know that people sometimes can say things and it can be taken the wrong way. I get it. But it still doesn't change that those small comments can hurt...
Like today for instance...
I have had a GREAT week with my cousins from Utah. We've played games, gone to the lake, and today we went to the river. I have been in SUCH a good mood!

Of course, all good things must come to an end. I got on my phone and started looking at the pictures of Madden that The Couple had posted on their Face Book and two of the comments that people had left on the pictures just really hit me hard..

"Wow! She looks just like Stacy!"
and
"She is so lucky to have Stacy as a mom!"

Now don't get me wrong. I am very thankful for Justin and Stacy to be her parents and I know they are wonderful parents...but that comment still hurt. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough to ever be her mom. The worst part is that I know that comment wasn't meant in that way at all and it still hurts!!

And as for the looking like her mom comment...I don't know why that hurt me too. I mean, maybe it's just that she looks SO much like me and everyone who has seen me with Madden says how we look exactly the same. I don't know...it just hurts. A lot.

And even though I know those comments shouldn't offend me they still do and I just can't help but ache and cry.

Journaling

Let my just start this by saying that this is not a freaking sympathy post. I'm not looking for any type of sympathy here. At all. I'm just writing out my feelings, because it's the only way I know how to express myself anymore. I'm not good at writing things down in a bound book, but for some reason writing what I'm going down through on this blog makes me feel better. Maybe it's because I feel like posting my experience on the Internet just makes me feel like I am helping others. Maybe some day someone will stumble accross this blog and something I wrote will help them in their lives. Perhaps I just write on the Internet so that I feel "heard"...I don't know.

For me, journaling is how I coup with all these extra emotions. I have never been the type of person to let my emotions run rapid, but it's always easy to see how I'm feeling. I try to lock it all it because I hate feeling so vulnerable. I hate that you can take one single look at me, and know exactly how I'm feeling. Especially as of late. I don't want anoyone else to ever feel the things I am feeling now, and when someone tries to sympathsize it just hurts me even more. I don't want anyone else to hurt, especially on my account. That's why I try to keep these emotions under wraps, even if it means that I am going to hurt more. I'd rather hurt myself and feel alone than anyone else hurt.

Everyone knows that placing your child with an adoptive couple is a difficult thing. That is a given. I knew that these emotions were going to be tougher to handle and stronger than anything I'd ever experienced before. I knew it would be heartbreaking to see my little girl grow up in someone else's arms. But just because I knew these things doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I’m sick of people asking if I’m okay. Obviously I’m going to tell you I’m fine just so you will leave me alone. I don’t want to be told how strong I am or that you are proud of me. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to be hugged. I understand you love me and just want me to be happy and that you worry about me. I get it. I can handle the emotional overload that I feel on a constant level, but I can't handle the emotions of other people too.

I have my days where I hate how things turned out and I wish they were different. Doesn’t mean a thing because I would never change what happened. I’d rather just sit here in my hurt and ignore everything else. Just let me sit here in my room all day and ignore the outside world. Let me sit here and proccess these emotions that have taken over my life, otherwise I'll have a massive breakdown at the smallest little things and we definitely don't want that again. There are even days where I'd rather not even acknowledge that I even had a baby. Sometimes its just easier that way. I must sound crazy right now. Saying that some days it's just easier to pretend I didn't have a baby and that everything is normal. Since when has my life ever been normal? I wish desperately that now, more than ever, my life was normal. I wish that instead of waking up alone I would wake up to a man that loves me and our precious child. I wish I was in my own home and raising my little girl. I wish a lot of things were different. But now that I've said that I want to go back and erase it because I know that by saying that someone is going to be hurting. Hurting for my pain.

I can't handle knowing that my pain is hurting someone else. Hopefully the person I worry about hurting the most doesn't read this for a while...

Adoption Day, June 18th

I woke up, and did my best to make myself presentable.
I did my hair for the first time in weeks, and put on make up.
Thank goodness for water proof mascara.

I quickly helped clean house and make food.
Everyone was coming over to my house to sign the adoption papers and have a sort of testimony meeting.
My mother was stressed beyond belief and I helped as best I could.
It's just kinda difficult since I had just given birth 3 days ago.
I was still pretty exhausted.

Around 11 people started showing up.
The Couple, and little Madden were first.
Followed by Stacy's parents, Justin's parents, My Aunt and Uncle, and finally my Caseworker and The Couple's rep from LDS Social Services.

Everyone was seated in the front room, and I was taken to the table to sign away my rights.
I was asked if there was any where private we could go to sign the papers since the front room was filled with people conversing and laughing...doing their best to give me my privacy.
But I didn't want to be anywhere else.
I wanted to be in that room, hearing the love for that little girl and being able to see Stacy holding her.
My mom sat next to me, and Sharon explained what every piece of paper was before I signed it.

The first sheet was placed in front of me, and explained.
This was the sheet that gave up all parental rights to Madden.
My Madden.
I sat there, and just stared at that sheet of paper and the pen in my hand.
I cried and cried for what felt like ages, but it was probably only a minute or two.
Finally, with tears in my eyes I signed my name.

More papers were given to me and I signed them as they came.
Finally, the paper work was done.

My mother held my hand and Sharon told me how amazing I was.
Tears kept streaming down my face.

Next was The Couple's paperwork.
Stacy handed Madden to me, and hugged me tightly.

I walked into the Kitchen and held this perfect little girl who had been mine up until a few moments ago.
I held her and tears just streamed down my face and onto Madden's blanket.
I kissed her face repeatedly and told her how much I love her.
Having her in my arms, I felt such love for this little girl and such love for Justin and Stacy.
I knew I was doing something good.
It hurt, but it was good.
The tears stopped, and The Couple finished signing their papers.

We all went back into the living room and sat down in a sort of make-shift circle.
Sharon opened the "meeting" and told me how proud she was of me for making this tough decision.
She said many things, but all I can really remember is looking down at the beautiful little perfect angel in my arms and how full my heart was.
Everyone in the room said something.
I teared up a little when it got to my parents, and even more so when it finally got to Justin and Stacy.
Justin talked about their journey to adoption, and first meeting me. He said the first moment they met me, the he knew I was going to be their birthmother. Their profile had been on the adoption website for TWO MONTHS when I had contacted them..that just astonished me.
Stacy made me cry even more. My love for her is very strong. She is such an amazing woman.
She was super emotional like me, and she said some amazing things.
There was just so much love in that room.

It got quiet, and I finally looked up and said,
"I feel like everyone is waiting for me to say something..."
There was laughter, and I was encouraged to say something.
I talked a little about Brandon..and how he looked at couples with me. I told everyone how excited I was that he chose a couple I liked and that this was before I even made contact with them. I felt such a connection with two people that I didn't even know...
I told them how I looked forward to their e-mails and text messages during those few months, and how difficult it was for me to finally ask them to parent my little girl.
I'm pretty sure that every face in that room was wet with tears by the time I had finished speaking.
But I could only see Justin and Stacy and the darling little girl in my hands.

I then did something I hadn't done since I was little...
I asked for a blessing.
In fact, I asked Justin for a blessing.
He was a little shocked, but gave me a beautiful blessing.
I wish It had been written down or something so I could treasure it forever.

Family cleared out, and The Couple stayed for a while with Madden.
It was nice to just relax and hang out with them.
The Couple gave me another bag of goodies.
This one included a necklace

"M" for Madden, and her birthstone a Pearl

and a gift card to Dolce Salon!
It also had a letter from Stacy, which I will always treasure.
There was also two sweet little notes from Justin's parents, and Justin's sister.

My favorite part was the little photo album that The Couple had put some pictures of Madden in.
(I know constantly print out pictures to put in it, and carry it pretty much every where.)

Saying goodbye was difficult, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I saw them again!
They invited me over for Father's Day to hang out for a little :)

I watched them drive away, and there was so much love in my heart for them, and for that precious little girl in their back seat.

Later that night I got on FaceBook and went to The Couple's pages.
They had posted a picture of Madden and people were freaking out!
I was too. I was so overjoyed that I had helped this family.
I had essentially created a family.
Something I never thought I'd do for someone other than myself.
I made a family.



The Family (Justin was making a face at my sister hahahah)



Friday, June 17th

"Hannah, go see her."

Such simple words....
but I couldn't gather up the courage to call The Couple and ask to come see Madden.

I walked into the kitchen, and sat down.
I wanted to see Madden so badly.
But I was taking percocet and legally couldn't drive out there to see her.
My mom came out and saw me crying at the counter.
She asked what was up, and I told her my predicament.
I didn't expect her to offer to drive me.
I knew she had a lot going on and that needed to get done that day.
But she insisted.
I also didn't expect for The Couple to text me and ask me if I would like to come watch Madden for a few hours while they went out and did some shopping.

I ran to my room, threw on some loose, comfy clothing and waited for my mom.
I was so excited to see Madden!!!

Being with Madden was just what I needed.
I gave her a bath
Fed her
and just held her in my arms.

She was so peaceful and yet again was my little Chill Baby.

Holding her asleep in my arms, I was finally able to rest peacefully.

Leaving her wasn't as difficult this time.
I was sad to be leaving again, but so overjoyed that I was able to see her.
No tears were shed the rest of the day.
I was content.

Leaving the Hospital

I woke up about 5 am wanting to hold and take care of Madden.
But I was still woozy after taking a sleeping pill earlier.
So I laid in my bed and cried, knowing my time with her was almost up.

I had a few friends come by that morning and say hello, and it was nice.
But all I could think about was having to say Goodbye to Madden in a few hours.

Dannielle, My gal pal!

My bestie Jared

My pal, Jake

More of The Couples Family

My cousin, Lee

Flowers, from my dad

Every chance I got, I held her.

Every moment alone I just stroked her hair and could not take my eyes off of her perfect little face.
I desperately wanted more time with her.

But she had her first Dr's appointment with The Couple that afternoon so we were sort of on a tight schedule.
I should have said something the day before...but since Madden and I were both doing so well there wasn't really a point in staying another day.
I wish now that I would have said something.

Although I was a wreck, I still did my best to keep myself together.
I took care of Madden, and visited with those that came through.

The Couple walked in with a huge bag.
I figured it was for Madden, but then they said it was for me.
It was filled with:
Modern Family Season 1 (which The Couple had been telling me I must see)
Popcorn
Popcorn Seasoning
Candy galore
A stuffed puppy, which Madden had as well
And a blanket made by Stacy and her mother

Cue more tears.

The hospital has a professional photographer and that was the last thing we went to do before leaving.
I was crying the entire time, and the photographer was sympathetic, but I could tell she thought I was just over-emotional.
My mom finally told her that I was placing Madden for adoption.
The mood in that room changed instantly and I could feel this strangers love for me.

We went back to my room to collect our belongings.
I changed clothes, and when I came back out the room was packed up and ready to go.
I was still crying my eyes out.

Leaving was the most difficult thing.
I was rolled out in a wheelchair with Madden in my arms, and tears streaming down my face.

I walked over to The Couple's car, and placed Madden in the car seat.
She was sound asleep and I couldn't stop kissing her perfect face.

Finally I pulled myself away and shut the car door.
I hugged The Couple goodbye and through the sobs I could hear them telling me
"Thank You"

I lowered myself into my mother's car, and watched The Couple and Madden drive away.
I did my best not to sob, but when we finally turned out of the parking lot I couldn't control it any longer.
My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest.
My mom was crying with me.

When we got home and unloaded all of my things into my room, I did my best to just focus on one thing at a time.
Put away clothes,
Put away toiletries,
Make bed,
Put water in many vases of flowers brought to me.

Finally, I ran out of thing to do.
I sat in my room, alone.
I couldn't believe how alone I felt.
I couldn't take it.
I walked into the front room with my family.
It didn't cure the loneliness.
I was so torn.
I wanted my little girl so badly.
My mom tried to talk to me, but I was so upset that I couldn't even rationally talk with her.

I finally just ran into my room, slammed the door, and sobbed.
I've never cried so hard in my entire life.
I can't even begin to describe to you how alone I felt.
I curled up into a ball, hugged my legs, and continued to sob.
My mom came in and tried to comfort me.
She was hurting for me, and that made me hurt even more.
She told me to call The Couple. They would understand and probably let me come and see Madden.
But I couldn't.
She called my dad into the room, and he gave me a blessing of comfort and peace.
Eventually I calmed down enough and my mom gave me a sleeping pill, and left me alone.

I laid in bed, and tears kept flowing down my face.
I didn't know what to do.
Finally, I picked up my phone and texted my caseworker Sharon.

This is what I sent to her....
"I don't even know how to start this or even what I really want to say. I just can't stop crying and I feel like I didn't get any time with Madden at all. I feel like a pain and a burden to everyone. It's too late now but I wish I could have had another night with her. I wish I had my 72 hours of just her. I can't even close my eyes without seeing her. I know placing is hard, but it is tearing me apart to not have her. But I can't just take her from Justin and Stacy either because I love them and can't bear the thought of taking her away from them. I just don't know what to do at all and I feel so alone without her. "


It took a while, but finally I fell asleep.
I woke up to this response...
"Hannah, go see her."

June 15th Part Two: Postpartum

This definitely wasn't how I expected my Wednesday to go.
I was SUPPOSED to go to lunch with Justin and Stacy at Chevy's (yumm) and then Stacy and I were going to go get pedicures!

But, I guess Madden had other plans.
The little stinker.

I immediately had visitors.

My dad was the first one to come in.
He was in the waiting room during delivery.
He held her and I could just feel his love for her.
She's pretty difficult not to love.

TONS of pictures were taken.
I don't think any newborn has ever had this many pictures taken.
Seriously.

I sent out pictures to some family and friends who I had been keeping updated.
Everyone was so excited. I had people calling and texting me all day.

I was moved to a postpartum room, and dang it was huge. Which is good.
My day nurse was yet another friend of my moms and she was so nice!

My first official visitors to drive over to see Madden and I were Chelsea and Michelle, two of my close friends.

After that there was a flood of people.
Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Siblings came flood through.
And not only mine!

Justin and Stacy's familes came through.
It was awesome to meet them and see my little girls future family.

Avery wasn't too thrilled at first..haha

Stacy's Mom

Cousin Avery giving Madden Kisses

Stacy's Dad

This is her new cousin who was born a week before Madden was.
They will be best friends :)

It was so nice to have all these people come through.
There was such love in that room.

My last visitors that night was my family.

The kids all just loved and adored her.

Finally, everyone left. Except my mom.
She stayed with me, and for that I am grateful.
I don't do well being alone, and I was a bit worried about being alone with Madden.
Plus, she's my mother. I just wanted her with me.

My night nurse checked in on us as needed. She was another friend of my moms and I could see the emotion in her eyes everytime she came into my room...

I still wasn't tired, even though I had been up since 3 that morning.
So we put Madden in her little roller cradle and walked the floor saying hello to my mom's coworkers and showing off Madden.
Everyone was in shock to see me up and walking. But I felt great and was so sick of being in bed all day.
I got a ton of hugs and people telling me how strong I was.
Also they told me how amazing it was that my labor went so quickly.

Finally, we went back to the room and settled down.
I still wasn't sleepy and it was about 1 am when I finally called my nurse and asked for a sleeping pill.
It took a while, but I finally passed out at about 2.

I slept soundly, and didn't hear my mother with Madden at all.
I guess Madden was fussy all night.
I finally woke up to Madden crying a little as my mom layed her back down after feeding her.
This was at 5 am....

Want the rest of the story? Sorry, that's the next post :)