Leaving the Hospital

I woke up about 5 am wanting to hold and take care of Madden.
But I was still woozy after taking a sleeping pill earlier.
So I laid in my bed and cried, knowing my time with her was almost up.

I had a few friends come by that morning and say hello, and it was nice.
But all I could think about was having to say Goodbye to Madden in a few hours.

Dannielle, My gal pal!

My bestie Jared

My pal, Jake

More of The Couples Family

My cousin, Lee

Flowers, from my dad

Every chance I got, I held her.

Every moment alone I just stroked her hair and could not take my eyes off of her perfect little face.
I desperately wanted more time with her.

But she had her first Dr's appointment with The Couple that afternoon so we were sort of on a tight schedule.
I should have said something the day before...but since Madden and I were both doing so well there wasn't really a point in staying another day.
I wish now that I would have said something.

Although I was a wreck, I still did my best to keep myself together.
I took care of Madden, and visited with those that came through.

The Couple walked in with a huge bag.
I figured it was for Madden, but then they said it was for me.
It was filled with:
Modern Family Season 1 (which The Couple had been telling me I must see)
Popcorn
Popcorn Seasoning
Candy galore
A stuffed puppy, which Madden had as well
And a blanket made by Stacy and her mother

Cue more tears.

The hospital has a professional photographer and that was the last thing we went to do before leaving.
I was crying the entire time, and the photographer was sympathetic, but I could tell she thought I was just over-emotional.
My mom finally told her that I was placing Madden for adoption.
The mood in that room changed instantly and I could feel this strangers love for me.

We went back to my room to collect our belongings.
I changed clothes, and when I came back out the room was packed up and ready to go.
I was still crying my eyes out.

Leaving was the most difficult thing.
I was rolled out in a wheelchair with Madden in my arms, and tears streaming down my face.

I walked over to The Couple's car, and placed Madden in the car seat.
She was sound asleep and I couldn't stop kissing her perfect face.

Finally I pulled myself away and shut the car door.
I hugged The Couple goodbye and through the sobs I could hear them telling me
"Thank You"

I lowered myself into my mother's car, and watched The Couple and Madden drive away.
I did my best not to sob, but when we finally turned out of the parking lot I couldn't control it any longer.
My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest.
My mom was crying with me.

When we got home and unloaded all of my things into my room, I did my best to just focus on one thing at a time.
Put away clothes,
Put away toiletries,
Make bed,
Put water in many vases of flowers brought to me.

Finally, I ran out of thing to do.
I sat in my room, alone.
I couldn't believe how alone I felt.
I couldn't take it.
I walked into the front room with my family.
It didn't cure the loneliness.
I was so torn.
I wanted my little girl so badly.
My mom tried to talk to me, but I was so upset that I couldn't even rationally talk with her.

I finally just ran into my room, slammed the door, and sobbed.
I've never cried so hard in my entire life.
I can't even begin to describe to you how alone I felt.
I curled up into a ball, hugged my legs, and continued to sob.
My mom came in and tried to comfort me.
She was hurting for me, and that made me hurt even more.
She told me to call The Couple. They would understand and probably let me come and see Madden.
But I couldn't.
She called my dad into the room, and he gave me a blessing of comfort and peace.
Eventually I calmed down enough and my mom gave me a sleeping pill, and left me alone.

I laid in bed, and tears kept flowing down my face.
I didn't know what to do.
Finally, I picked up my phone and texted my caseworker Sharon.

This is what I sent to her....
"I don't even know how to start this or even what I really want to say. I just can't stop crying and I feel like I didn't get any time with Madden at all. I feel like a pain and a burden to everyone. It's too late now but I wish I could have had another night with her. I wish I had my 72 hours of just her. I can't even close my eyes without seeing her. I know placing is hard, but it is tearing me apart to not have her. But I can't just take her from Justin and Stacy either because I love them and can't bear the thought of taking her away from them. I just don't know what to do at all and I feel so alone without her. "


It took a while, but finally I fell asleep.
I woke up to this response...
"Hannah, go see her."