32 Weeks Update!

"Good morning Star Shine! The Earth says, 'HELLO!'"
-Willy Wonka

My Aunt would always say this to me after I woke up when I was little and it has just stuck with me after all these years.
Oh, dear Aunt Cece.

Now, I know what you're thinking..

"FINALLY SOME PICTURES!!!"

Sorry it took so long! A million apologies! I am just horrible at taking photos, especially when they are of me. But luckily Easter Sunday was yesterday and my Mother wanted pictures of me looking all cute and snazzy for church!

Lovvee that dress :) Especially since it was on sale!! Thank youuu, JC Penny!

I also had my 32 week check up today with Dr. Beck. My mother went with me. I love having her around for stuff like this. I've gained another 4 pounds!! Holy Mackerel! Baby girl definitely is starting to get bigger. She's squished!!! You can tell how squished she is in these pictures from her 3D ULTRASOUND!!

Amazing, huh? I love today's technology.

{See her little fist in front of her face? What a punk!}

{Ahhh! Those chunky cheeks!! I think this is my favorite}

{Pretty sure she's scowling because of all the poking going on. Sorry, baby. We wanted to see that face!}

{poor little squished nose! she doesn't have much room anymore.}

Wanna know what I don't love?

How baby girl decided she wanted her hands up in front of her face the whole time! We had to poke and push her just to get these few shots of her little face. The dork.

But she's precious, that's for sure. AND she has the Holt Family Cheeks :) We all have such big cheeks. My mother was laughing when baby girls hand finally moved and we saw those cheeks of hers. I just want to kiss them!!

I can't believe I only have 7 more weeks...it's crazy. I am just barely starting to look preggo too! The next few weeks are going to be nothing but weight gain. Awesome. It's already difficult to sleep as is it!! Getting comfortable is the worst. Methinks I need to start using that Maternity Body Pillow...


COUPLE UPDATE:
I meet the couple I've been talking to TOMORROW! Ahhh, so excited :)

Baby Daddy Update:
14 Days left.
(Yes, I do have a little countdown timer on my lap top.....don't judge me. hahaha)
No word from him yet...I know he is really hurt by my decision, and I feel horrible about that. I hate causing anyone pain. But, I know what I'm doing is right. It kills me, don't get me wrong. I've been crying a lot more lately because I know my time with her is short...I wish I could keep her forever. But I know that she is meant for a loving couple, and having the knowledge that everything will work out the way it is meant to comforts me.

Thank you all so much for the continuous love and support. It means the world to me, even if I may not know you personally.

One Love,
Hannah

"Every day, there is a choice...

...And through the joy, through the pain...
I will rejoice."

-Light by The Rocket Summer

I absolutely love this song. Actually, I love The Rocket Summer! Seeing Bryce Avery in concert was the most amazing experience ever, let me tell you.

I would post a video of the song, but the CD isn't even out yet and the only versions of it are live and difficult to hear :(

SAD DAY.

This past week has been so crazy.

I'm sick, yet again. It's these dang allergies! The worst part of it is that my nausea meds have seemed to stop working. I've been throwing up again :( It's horrible! Last night I was awake until 4 AM. I just was so sick and couldn't get comfortable at all. Plus the little lady decided at 3 AM was the perfect time to do somersaults and punch my ribs. Silly me, I thought 3 AM was meant for sleeping. Guess I was mistaken. Thank goodness I have my Doctors appointment on Monday and I can ask for some help with the nausea. Also, said doctors appointment will be AWESOME because I'm getting a 3D Ultrasound of my little girl!! AHH! So excited to see her face. Hopefully, she looks more like me than Brandon. I mean lets face it, I'm a pretty attractive lady!! Hahahhaa just kiddin', I just don't want her to look like Brandon since he's a jerkface. Jerkfaces aren't attractive. Nope.

Outside of pregnancy, I'm just doing my best to not drown in my classes with all the last minute projects my professors are throwing at me. For example, Today I turned in a paper for my cinema class that was worth 75% OF MY GRADE. Yeah, that's right. 75%. I also did a presentation today in the same class that was worth 25% of my grade. This teacher lady is insane. I'm so worried about how I did. I was nervous to present, and since I've been sick all week I had a difficult time standing and talking loud enough to be heard. But teacher lady did a lot of smiling and nodding so I'm guessing I did alright. I hope I get a good grade on those two major projects!!!!

School...I loathe you some times.

BUT, you are necessary.

Couple Update:

I meet with the couple I have been emailing on Tuesday! I'm so excited, and I know they are too! They even emailed me on Tuesday saying that they hope school was calming down for me and that they were excited to finally meet me! Ah, excited.

Also, the couple that originally got me interested in adoption...well their adoption fell through. The birthmother decided to keep her little boy after all.

It just breaks my heart. They had the nursery all set up and had clothes and little shoes and stuff...they even got to hold him at the hospital after he was born. 

I know how hard it must be for them..but I also understand why the birthmother decided to keep her little boy. It's such a difficult thing to do... I only pray that somehow I get through this. I know it's going to be hard, but I also know it's going to be worth it to place her with a real family that is going to just spoil her rotten and love her and raise her...all in ways that I just cannot. It's sad...but makes me happy at the same time.

Anyways, I'm probably going to contact this couple too...maybe. I'll talk with Sharon about it Tuesday.

I just don't want to get anyones hopes up only to break their hearts by choosing another couple or having Brandon file the Intent to Parent papers...Luckily he only has 17 more days to file.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS!!!

Time to get back to studying for Abnormal Psych exam tomorrow. *Le Sigh*....

Have a wonderful evening, dearest reader!

Let the Countdown Begin!

Things are crazy crazy crazy...I'm just skipping the weekend update and focusing on today, since that's where the "interesting" stuff is.


Brandon was supposed to meet with me and Sharon to discuss what future paperwork would be coming his way. When I texted him to remind him about the appointment he responded with a curt "Nope. Busy." Errmm, okay, thanks for the heads up I guess. Immediately after that I received another text yelling at me about the papers he got served on Sunday. Insert "OH CRAP!" here and initiate panic.


 I had no idea he was getting served before our meeting with Sharon. I don't even know his address, how am I supposed to have him served? He yelled and yelled and didn't believe I was in the dark about him getting served. I basically had a mini panic attack in the middle of my Abnormal Psych class while all this was happening. I was stressed before with all these last minute projects for some of my classes and then Brandon freaking out at me just made everything so much more difficult! I really just wanted to cry. But I made it through the reast of my classes and immediately went and met with Sharon and explained what had happened.


I don't know what I would do without Sharon. She calmed me down and helped me realize that regardless of timing, Brandon would still freak out about being served. Plus he keeps saying that he refuses to sign a thing until paternity is proven, but we don't have that kind of time to just sit around. The ball is now in his court, and although this is terrifying, he has a limited amount of time to respond. Whatever happens next, I know it will be alright. If he files the papers with the courts, then it's time to step up and work out custody, which he will be limited to and I will make sure of that. My daughter deserves the best, and Brandon is unstable and I refuse to have my daughter around that. If he doesn't file with the courts, then I can continue with adoption. I really hope he doesn't...but until then I am living in constant fear. Every car door that slams outside my house and every time the door bell rings I jump. I am terrified. But I know that the clock has already begun to tick and that comforts me a little.


So, although I am stressed and emotionally exhausted, I know things will work out the way they are meant to. I only ask for your thoughts and prayers for me and my little one. I know I ask for this a lot, but I know they are helping and I can see it and feel it every day.


Love, Hannah and the little lady who is currently kicking my ribs :)

Sicky McSick Sick!

I'm not feeling to well this past week, so this post may be a little bit short. I never had bad morning sickness, but my allergies have always been super bad and my nose is always runny, and the excess drainage (boy, that sounds gross. sorry!) is not mixing well with my sensitive gag reflex. Thank the Lord that I have my nausea pills. They have saved me from certain death. That's why this last week has been tough though, I ran out of pills! So there was a three day gap where I was just sick all the time while I waited for my prescription. It stunk.

Now that I have filled you in on my gross vomiting issues, I shall tell you about the last few days!

As you know, on Wednesday I contacted a couple I really liked, and on Thursday they responded! It's kind of awkward because I don't know what to say, but we exchanged a few e-mails. I feel really good about it and cannot wait to possibly meet them.
Later that night Brandon texted me and told me he didn't have any feelings for me. Kay..cool. He repeated that about 4 times. It was rather annoying and I couldn't help but cry a little. Now, I didn't cry because he took back the "I love you"s, I cried because I am so sick and tired of his mood swings and personality changes. I could never have a relationship with this man because of how unstable he is. One week it's I hate you and the next it's I love you and the cycle continues. I'm already emotional enough with these extra hormones and as my due date gets closer I get more and more stressed and attached to my little girl. Ahh, I can't talk about this right now. Sorry guys. Too emotional haha

Friday
After my classes I went and talked to my counselor, Alecia. Talking with her has made everything a little easier for me. I hated being depressed and although I'm starting to get super emotional again I'm happy and thankful it's not the depression coming back around. The next few weeks are going to be tough and I'm glad I have her to go talk with on Fridays.

Saturday
After a morning of watching Conference and cleaning and baking cinnamon rolls with my momma, Brandon came over and we looked at adoptive couples on the It's About Love website. He made it so awkward and difficult. He was rude, as usual, too. But whatever. He did pick 4 couples (including the one I like and contacted!) But there was one couple we looked at that I liked but when Brandon saw that they had gone to BYU he freaked and basically yelled NO. Uhm, calm down. He was also upset that the couples on the website were all LDS. Uhm, okay. I explained to him that I want her to be with an LDS couple because I want her raised in the church. Brandon, who is not religious at all, didn't agree. I then proceeded to tell him that even if she stayed with us and we raised her that she would be raised in the church and would be attending church. Again, he was upset. But whatever. He can go suck eggs. He is also trying to get me to spend time with him and his 2 yr old son. Not too thrilled about this. Everything is already difficult as it is.

Nothing to report for Sunday or Monday. Although, I did watch A Beautiful Mind on Monday and it was fascinating. I had to watch it for my Abnormal Psych class and write a small paper about it where I diagnosed the main character, John Nash. It was totally awesome. My mother watched it with me and we ate Krazy Sub :) Let me tell you, I loooove me some KSub and time with my momma bear.

Tuesday
I had another meeting with Sharon today and we set up a meeting with Brandon for next Monday to talk to him and explain what paper work will be coming his way. Since he refuses to sign any forms until DNA Testing is done and he is listed as the father, Sharon and I are hoping to catch him in a loop hole...but I won't post any details on that until that blessed day comes, haha. The rest of our meeting was spent talking about what happens next with adoption. I am hopefully meeting the couple I like in the next week or so. We also talked about how open I would possibly like the adoption to be, and what the hospital would be like. Ahh, here I go getting teary-eyed again. It's so hard to talk about. Daggum, extra hormones! Yer killin' me! Sharon was a little teary today as well, we both were. Gosh, I love her. I'm very glad I have her to help me through this.

Well, for fear of crying I must end this post. Sorry guys. Maybe I can come back and post more later when the hormones calm down. Today has just been too much!