Memorial Weekend!

Boy, life sure has been crazy lately.
But crazy in a good way!!!
I am now down to my last 3 weeks of pregnancy. It does NOT feel real. At all.

I have had people asking me how I am feeling and if I am starting to get contractions and what not...
honestly?
I feel about the same!
No contractions. No swelling ankles. Just a moving baby who likes to stretch and push on my bladder.

Every now and then my feet will start to hurt, but that's only after being on my feet for at least 2 hours without sitting down.
I am soooo dang lucky.

Oo, the stretch marks have finally made an appearance. That's no fun. They are slowly spreading along the bottom of my stomach.
But it comforts me to see them because that shows that my baby girl is growing! SHE NEEDS TO GAIN SOME STINKING WEIGHT!!

Anyways, my weekend was pretty awesome. My aunt and uncle came down from Wyoming and it just so happened that my aunts birthday was Saturday. So naturally we had a big family get together and celebrated.
There was tons of food and family and it was a dang good time.
I love my extended family.
It's as simple as that.
My stomach got tons of attention. Instead of getting hugs, people went straight to my stomach. It was rather funny.


Sunday, however, was kinda rough. I usually just go to sacrament meeting with my parents and then I come home. I do this because I just get really uncomfortable with all the stares and then I don't like explaining and talking about adoption with them.
I mean, I feel really good about my decision, but when I see how people react it makes me sad.
I know they just love me and want the best for and me but the sympathy just makes it hard on me and I cry like a baby.
And I hate crying.
I just don't want anyone feeling sad about this. I know it's for the best and I am happy.
I hate seeing anyone else sad! Do you know the feeling?

But basically that's what happened on Sunday at church and it was hard.
Later that night I just had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and I felt like I was never going to find someone to care about me and that Brandon was the best I was ever going to get.
Now, I know this is not true. But those negative thoughts just would not leave my mind. It was really difficult.


Monday was pretty relaxing. I just slept most of the day and e-mailed with The Couple as usually.
That afternoon I went and saw Thor with them and then went to Rubio's for dinner after.
I love spending time with them! They are just so much fun to be with and it seems like we always have something to talk about. I am very blessed to have them in my life, and I know that my daughter is going to have such an amazing future with them and be so loved and happy.

The future excites me :)

Openness

Today, I met with The Couple (MY couple, really) at LDS Social Services.
My parents and caseworker were also there.
It was emotional for everyone there.
I think I cried the most, but I blame that on the fact that I am pregnant and that every time I stopped crying someone else would start tearing up and I would tear up with them!

DARN YOU, HORMONES!!

But even with all the tears, there was such a good feeling in that room.

The Couple I have chosen is so amazing and loving, I honestly cannot picture placing with anyone else.
They are so understanding of how hard this is for me too, and have done everything they can to make things easier.

But basically today (other than talking about how we are all feeling) we talked about the openness of the future and what things would be like in the hospital.

I was asked who would contact The Couple when I went into the hospital, and it kinda caught me off guard.
I mean, is someone else supposed to call them?
Because I have been planning on being the one to call them the entire time!
Does it not work that way, typically?
Hahaha I was so confused!

We also talked about what would be happening at the hospital, and I am lucky enough to be going to a hospital where not only does the staff knows me, but the hospital itself works really well with adoptions!
I am really excited for what happens next in this area.

We also talked about any future contact, and I am really happy about how open we all are with each other!
Everything has just gone so smoothly.
And I know everything in the future will work out just perfectly!
There may be some bumps, but everything will work out.

I know I am doing the right thing.
It's so incredibly difficult to place my little girl with someone else, but even though it hurts I have this overwhelming feeling of peace.

Gah, I am just so emotionally drained today.
It takes such a toll on my body!
Maybe I should take a nap with my maternity body pillow.
Now that I am bigger that pillow gives much better support to my stomach and back!!

But I know I look like such a freak when I cuddle with it...
OH WELL!

36 Weeks!

It's SO hard to believe I am 9 months pregnant! Honestly, it doesn't feel real.


Classic Hannah Face

I've gained I think (maybe) about 17 or 18 pounds.
I can't remember if i started at 126 lbs or what.
But baby girl is estimated to be about 5 lbs right now.
And she will gain about half a pound a week from now until she's born!
CRAZY!!!


I'm still wearing my regular clothes. I can even wear a pair of my 15 year old sisters shorts (and they don't fit her).
SO WEIRD.
But hey, I'm not complaining.

I finally look pregnant, though! Amazing how it took friggin 36 weeks to get here -_-


I had a doctor's appointment today, and I invited Stacy (from my adoptive couple) to come with me!
My mom came too and got to meet her.
It was such a good experience.
We got another ultrasound, just for Stacy :)
She was so excited. She's never seen an ultrasound before.
I made sure to send her home with pictures of her own!!

I'm a little bit envious, because the pictures were so much better this time!
It's like she knew her future mommy was going to be there.
She was sticking out her tongue when we poked her to turn around so we could get a shot of her face.
We were all laughing.

Sorry about the sucky quality.
Camera phones don't do this photo justice.

She still has those big ol' cheeks.
It's so cute! I made a dang cute baby, if I do say so myself.
But, she's so squished, I feel bad!
Only 4 more weeks though!!



So, baby girl is all healthy and developing perfectly.
I'm doing quite well, also.
Other than having the flu on Friday night. That was horrible.
I was throwing up all night. I seriously was feeling so horrible.
Thank goodness that has past!!

However, it is becoming more and more difficult to get up!
Getting off the couch, or getting out of my car are the worst.
I have to pull myself up with my arms.
Also, the toilet is my new best friend.
I have to pee so much!!
I get up maybe 2 or 3 times during the night.
No bueno.
And my lower back is starting to hurt more and more.

But hey, it's all going to be SO worth it.

I am just in such a good mood lately.
I still have moments where I get kinda depressed about everything, and I tend to tear up a little when I talk about adoption with anyone. But it's nothing I can't handle.
I know it's the right thing for my little girl and that makes it SO much easier for me.

Well, I'm off!
I'll have an emotional post up tomorrow, just to warn you. Haha

Love you guys! Thank you all so much for the support!
<3 Hannah

It's Not That Simple

Today was a lot easier for me.

I did not cry once!
I teared up a few times...
but no actual crying!!



I know there are many different paths I could take here.
But really, they all stink.

For example I could fight Brandon for custody.
And do things to keep him out of her life.
I know that.
But I don't want to do that.
I don't want to put my child through that.
She deserves better that that.

There are SO many reasons why adoption is the right decision...
but I don't feel a need to share them right now.
Just please understand that Brandon isn't the only reason nor is he the main reason why I feel adoption is best.
That's all I really feel the need to say right now, on that subject.


I guess the hardest part is having family and friends tell you what you are doing is wrong.
It really doesn't make anything easier by having loved ones call you selfish.
It's like I'm reliving all those arguements with Brandon all over again..
because that's exactly what he called me.

Month 1-5: I was selfish for not getting an abortion
Month 6: I was selfish for not wanting a relationship with him
Month 7-now: I am selfish for having Brandon served with Intent to Parent papers, and for considering adoption


But the absolute worst part of this is having people use the exact same arguements that Brandon used when I told him I was considering adoption.

I had a hard enough time communicating with him as it is.
When my loved ones bring up those same arguements...
I just can't even respond.
It just feels like I'm talking in circles when that happens.

I know they just want the best for me and the baby, but when it comes down to it this is my decision, and not theirs.
It's not like this is easy for me.
In fact, it's the most difficult thing I have ever encountered.

But hey, if placing your baby for adoption was easy
everyone would do it.

This may be difficult,
but I know it's right.
And in the end, that's all that matters.

Difficult Decisions

This past week it finally hit me.

I am down to the last 5 weeks, and this baby could come anytime now.
Most people would be excited and overjoyed...
but I'm not.

I am completely depressed.

All I do is cry anymore.
I feel like I can't even function.

I have tried to keep myself occupied with crafts, cleaning, looking for a job, and doing whatever I possibly can to keep my mind set positive.
But it has all caught back up with me. Just like I knew it would.

I know what I need to do and what is best for this baby.
I just wish things were different.
I am so completely heartbroken and torn.
My heart honestly feels like it was sent through a paper shredder.

There is nothing I want more than to hold my daughter in my arms and never let go.
I want to be the one who gets to bathe her, and change her diapers, and kiss her boo boos.
I want to hold her when she cries.
I want her to know my family, and I want them to know her.
I want my parents to spoil her rotten, like grandparents do.
But most of all,
I want to be her mother.
But I can't.

And it absolutely kills me to know that.

I feel like an absolute failure.
I know I am being irrational and dramatic, but I can;t help it.

What is best for my daughter, isn't ideal for me.
At all.
And I really really don't want to go through with this.
I really don't want to let her go.

Yes, I would get to see her from time to time and that I would receive pictures...
but that's it.
She would have her own family.
Her own mother.
And it wouldn't be me.

I would just be Hannah.


Npw, I know I could keep her....
But it would be difficult.
Extremely difficult.
I would have to do everything on my own.
Yes, I have tons of family support and friends that will help out...
but at the end of the day, it's just me and my daughter.

And if I keep her, it means that Brandon could come in at anytime and fight me for custody...

I cannot let that happen.

As difficult as choosing adoption is, I will do whatever it takes to keep Brandon away from her.
She deserves the best life possible.

and sadly...
it's not with me.

Summer is Right Around the Corner!

I'm so excited to be done with another semester of college.
I have one exam left on Thursday and I'm freeee!
At least until August 22nd when classes start back up.
But I am excited for that too!!!

You see, after next semester I can graduate with my Associates in Generals.
I know that's not super impressive or anything, but I'm still excited.
I want to graduate and get a better paying job so I can support myself (and possibly baby girl)!

I'm enrolled for my last few needed credits but it only comes out to 10 and I would like 12 credits so I can be full time and get some extra money from grants and stuff :)
Free money for school? Yes please.
So I am currently debating on whether I should take an online, easy class I can put down as an elective or something.
I would take something at the campus, but my schedule for next semester is stinky already.
Bring it on, 8 AM-1:15 PM on Mondays and Wednesday and 8-9:50 AM on Fridays!
Okay It's actually a pretty good schedule but for the last year and a half my classes have started at 9 or 10.
I'm not looking forward to waking up. Nope.
But at least I'd be waking up at the same time as my siblings to go to school.
Unless, of course, I am moved out. Which I most likely will be this summer.

Oh, I didn't tell you? My b.

I am possibly moving out very soon. IF I can find a job.
My mother has a wonderful friend who is letting me rent a little 2 bedroom house from them for pretty cheap.
I just need a roommate!!

STOKED.

Now I just need a job...
which is difficult since I'm due in June -_-
Dang.



Baby Update:
Gained a pound in two weeks.
Gaaah. Bring on the baby weight.
Baby girl also likes to be up in my ribs ALL THE TIME.
It's not very comfortable.
But whatever.
6 more weeks and she's outta there.

Weird...6 weeks. Or maybe even less depending on what she feels like.
It doesn't feel real.

EX Update:
Still no word. Which has it's pro's and it's con's. But hey, whatever.


Couple Update:
We have become such good friends! I e-mail them all the time and occasionally we text too. But our conversations tend to be lengthy, so e-mail works best.
We are even friends on Face Book.
And you know what they say about that...

"If it ain't FB official, it ain't official at all!"
ahahhaah

I love The Couple sooo incredibly much and I am so thankful to be friends with them. They understand how difficult things are for me and although I know they long for a baby of their own, they will love me no matter what I end up choosing.

It's nice to have people in my life who genuinely care for me.
Like you readers :)

I have gotten such love and support from you guys, and some of you I don't even know!!
Words cannot express how thankful I am for you.

Awh, here I go gettin' all teary-eyed and mushy.

Excuse me while I go try and clear my mind and make a yummy lunch-time snack.

One Love,
Hannah

Mothers Day 2011

Words cannot express how much I love and adore my own mother.
I can't even begin to explain how wonderful she is.
She is so kind and loving to everyone 
She also is so patient with us kids, even though I know we all drive her nuts sometimes.
She is an awesome cook, and I love being in the kitchen watching her. She can look at a recipe, and completely switch it up to make something awesome.
I don't know how she does it, and I am envious.
Her list of amazing qualities and talents go on and on. I could seriously go on for  hours.


Without her, I can honestly say that this pregnancy would be so much harder and so much more frightening.
She has always been there for me throughout my life, and when I got pregnant it was no different.
In fact, throughout the last few months I feel like we have gotten closer and she is one of my best friends.
Although it is still difficult to express how I'm feeling, I know that she will be there for me no matter what.
I am so incredibly blessed that she is the wonderful lady who is my mother.




My Mothers Day was pretty relaxing.
But my favorite part of M. Day this year actually took place on Saturday night.

My cousin Jen called me out of nowhere and invited me out to dinner at Costa Vida!
This is awesome for two main reasons:

1- I ADORE Jen. I wish I saw/talked to her more. She has always been my favorite, and i love spending time with her, regardless of what we are doing.

2-Costa? For the second time this week? No way in heck am I passing that up.


It was so good to see her and talk to her.
I have missed her!

Dear Jen,
Stop living so far away with your cute little family.
Kthxbaii



This weekend was overall, a good one.
I even got some Happy Mothers Day Texts :) It made me smile. I have such awesome people in my life.
And now that the weekend is over, I sit and prepare for summer.
One more class on Thursday where I take an A&P exam on the Digestive and Reproductive systems and I am down to ONE MORE SEMESTER before I can graduate with my AGS! Woop Woop!!
Pretty sure I'll ace that Exam too.
I mean come on.
Digestive and Reproductive systems?
I eat all the time AND I'm preggo.
Come on now.
This will be a cinch.



Baby Daddy Update:
No word from him. At all. It's quite nice to not hear from him at all.
His time is almost up to file.
(My dad thought he was going to have me served yesterday...how nice would that have been?)

I still am very unsure about what my decision will be in the next few weeks.
But I know that whatever ends up happening will work out.

May the FOURTH Be with you

Happy National Star Wars Day!!

Am I a nerd? Yes.
Am I proud of it? FRICK YA!
Am I currently watching Star Wars Episode IV? YOU KNOW IT.
Am I wearing my Darth Vader shorts and Han Solo Shirt that reads "Hustler"? Maybe...

However awesome it is that today is NSWD, it still got started sucky -_-

I had my final exam in my Abnormal Psych class, which starts at 10 AM. Since it's my first class I usually leave 30 minutes before class, which gives me plenty of time to drive over, find a parking spot, and then make the hike to class. I'm usually there about 5 minutes before class starts. I like being on time :)

BUT, a few weeks ago, my mother's car broke down and is now parked out in the hot sun getting dirty. My car is actually my parents, so whenever my mom needs a car I give her the keys. It always works out well too and doesn't conflict with my schedule at all. But this morning, she decided to drive my car to the gym. Usually, this isn't a problem as long as she's home by 9:30 or I have my things for class out of the car. Unfortunately, I left all of my scantrons in the backseat. You can see why I started to panic when it hit 9:40 and she wasn't answering her phone or the texts I was sending. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. I even started crying. Haha so lame...darn you hormones! You make everything so much more dramatic!!!!

A few minutes later my mom pulled up and I sped to class. After finally finding a parking spot, I realized I didn't have my wallet and got super lucky that I didn't get pulled over for speeding...I was doing at least 60...in a 45. Yeah. I was freaked out about missing the exam.

So although my morning got off to a bad start and I'm pretty sure I did horrible on my exam, I kept positive and did my best to survive until lunchtime..

Which is when I met up with The Couple at my favorite place ever for lunch..

COSTA VIDA!!

Seriously, that place is so amazing. I brought Jessica with me and introduced her to the deliciousness that is Costa.
Mmmm <3 I'm missing it already, even though my stomach is still full from eating there 6 hours ago. Yeah, it's THAT good.
If you haven't eaten at Costa, I suggest you crawl out of the hole you call your life and go eat some NOW.
You won't regret it.

I always get the shredded beef salad with everything on it and extra ranch <3
I know what you're thinking...

"A salad? Really, Hannah? You're freaking lame."

For that comment I should smack you!
Their salads are the bomb.com
Honestly.
Go eat one.
Your taste buds and tummy will be thanking me.

ANYWAYS, enough about the yummyness...

The Couple was sweet and awesome, as usual. I honestly love them so much. They deserve a baby!! Even if the other birthmother they are talking to claims them before I get a chance to. That's cool. Just get them a stinking baby already!!
They are both so sweet and funny and just an awesome couple!

I explained to them a little more about Brandon and all the drama that has happened with him, including the time where he came to my house and yelled at my parents and myself. I also told them about our experience with the Adoption Case Manager (David) and about Brandon's reaction when he got served the papers. I could tell they were both aghast at how he treated me...funny how it doesn't even phase me anymore. It means a lot o me to know that they sincerely do care about me and not just the baby I'm carrying.


But, overall lunch was awesome and I'm very glad that I went and Jessica did too :) She likes them.


However, all good thing must come to an end....

A few minutes ago I received a phone call from a lady in my stake..
she wanted to talk to my mother, but after I told her that my mom had already left for work she asked if she could just talk to me...I said alright, and cue the *sigh*

She asked how things with the pregnancy were going. I know it's not a secret that my eggo is preggo, but it still surprises me when people I didn't tell start talking about it. Haha. I told her that things have been pretty alright and the pregnancy has been pretty easy for me. She then started telling me about her niece and nephew who were looking to adopt and what amazing parents they would be. I asked if they were on the It's About Love website and asked their names so I could look them up.

This isn't the first time that someone has told me about someone they knew who was looking to adopt.

Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand why people would tell me that. But honestly, it kinda bugs me. It's just so awkward for me to sit here and have people plead their cases or the cases of others to me. It just breaks my heart to know that so many people are without children..but to plead with me for my child...it's just weird and depresses me. I'm already torn enough by everything that is going on. I know that everyone just wants the best for me and for my daughter and they feel such pain and sympathy that I have to make this decision, but no one knows exactly how I am feeling.

I hope I don't sound all lame and depressive and whiny. I promise, I'm not haha. This is just such and awkward position to be in, and I've never been one who likes to share my feelings. This posting everything on a blog thing is so new to me, and although it is helping me cope with my emotions better it is still so weird. I feel like such a baby...haha

But I guess what I am trying to say is please don't plead the case of a couple you know who is looking to adopt to a potential birthmother.

This is the hardest thing for a single pregnant woman to do. The last thing any of us want is more sorrow and pleading.




Also, I've been texting my mom throughout this post about the sister who called. Just now, she said:

"Are you just unsure or leaning towards keeping?"

To which I responded:

"I'm really split down the middle. I want her so bad...and I know I'm not the only one. Don't lie to me. You want her just as bad as I do. If not more."

I'm in tears now. Especially after her last message...

"Hannah, she is yours to keep or give."

That doesn't help me at all! It makes it even worse knowing how badly my family wants this baby.
This whole situation is just horrible. I don't wish it upon anyone, even the people who are jerks and say horrible things about me. I hope none of you readers ever have to go through this. And if you do, please talk about it. Don't keep it locked up inside. Pregnancy is hard already. Don't make it tougher by keeping in all these emotions!!! (Not that you can really keep it in long, anyways. Sooner or later you will have a breakdown like I did and it will suuuucccckkkk. So don't go there.)

I have such a tough decision ahead of me. I just wish it was one I didn't have to make.

Questions

I have so many questions on my mind lately.

It seems like they never stop.

It's exhausting.

But, the worst part of all is asking the same question over and over again...

Did I make a mistake by not getting back together with him??


Everything would have been paid for.
A house.
A car.
My credit card bill.
School.
Groceries.
EVERYTHING.

Now I sit here...alone and heartbroken.
Wondering "What if..."

Last Tuesday..

Last Tuesday, I met The Couple, whom I have been e-mailing for the past month or so.  
That morning I woke up, showered, and tried to get somewhat cute and presentable. As of late, I have been so dang tired that I usually just throw on a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt and run to school.
Okay, not literally run, but drive really really fast to make sure that I'm not late to class.

During my lunch break and drove over to my Bestie's house and ate some fatty-awesome Taco Bell with her. Our schedules are both so hectic that we hardly talk or hang out any more. It's quite depressing. We talked and caught up on life, and everything was okay...until I started crying. I am so torn about what I am going to do once Brandon's time to file is up. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. I explained to her how lost and confused I feel. I want to be this child's mother. So badly. I want to hold her and kiss her and just love her forever. I want her to be mine. Expressing this is so painful. I'm sobbing as I write this. My brother sitting on the couch is trying to awkwardly ignore me. Poor kid...hahha.

Driving to meet The Couple, I teared up even more. I hate being so emotional!! When I got there I took a few minutes with my Caseworker and collected my self. I felt like such a mess, and knew I looked a mess too! It was horrible. I had actually taken time to prepare myself and look good, and I end up crying and getting that red poofy look! Not appealing. Luckily my caseworker is an angel and after I had calmed down she brought in the couple. She also did most of the talking, since I couldn't really form complete sentences. I talked when I felt like it, for the most part. I answered some questions, and even cracked some jokes. It wasn't awkward at all talking to them! I can honestly say I adore this couple. They are both so fun, outgoing, and loving! I told them a little about the Brandon situation, and I could tell how heartbroken for me they were. For me! I mean, I bet they were excited because this situation could bring them a child, but I could see in their eyes how sad they were that I was going through this and all the pain Brandon has brought to my life. At the end of our little chat (one hour later...which really felt like only a couple minutes), we hugged and said our goodbyes. They said they would contact me soon and we'd all go out for lunch or something.

After they left I felt good about meeting them, but cried some more. I seriously cry so much. It's embarrassing. I have always felt really uncomfortable talking about my emotions and what I'm really feeling. Lately it has gotten even worse, and I blame that on pregnancy. Darn you, hormones!!!


So, overall my experience with The Couple was amazing. I love them! And I really hope that, even if not through me, they find a child soon. I know that they are currently talking to another girl, but that doesn't really bother me. It just makes me excited for them! They are awesome and deserve a baby soon!


I received an e-mail from them later on that night saying how happy they were to finally be able to put a face to my e-mails. We have continued contact, and even exchanged phone numbers and are planning to get lunch on Wednesday. I invited my mother to come too...but she's just not ready for that. I understand but it breaks my heart even more to see her hurting about this than anything else I have experienced thus far.


I wish there was an easy button.

Seriously, how amazing would it be to have one like in the Staples commercials? You just push it, and the right choice was placed before you! I can just hear the "That was easy.."

Sadly, life isn't easy. But maybe I'll just get myself one of those buttons anyways just for laughs.

I am so excited for what the future holds. Yet, at the same time, I am terrified.

I guess only time will tell.

Hannah

ps excuse my odd colors. Blogger and I are not getting along today. Haha :)