Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Last Few Weeks

So me and Brandon (aka Baby Daddy) have not been on the best of terms since we broke up. He dumped me a week or two before I knew I was pregnant and when I told him I was ya know, expecting, he told me he had a girlfriend, didn't care about me, and called me a selfish whore for not agreeing to get an abortion. So, since day one I have been preparing myself for either single parenting or adoption. I have looked extensively into both and I know what I want to do but Brandon is fighting me every step of the way... It's been really hard. Especially since he is so moody and changes his mind every single week about everything! Here, let us go back and look at how he changes EVERY WEEK....

Two weeks ago Brandon was calling me over and over (14 times total in one day) even though I wasn't answering and texted him saying "Hey, I'm kind of busy right now. Do you need something?" To which he replied, "I know when your doctors appointment is. Where is it. I'm going." Odd of him to say that, because my appointment was earlier that morning and I had already told him a few days prior that I wanted to go by myself since it was MY doctors appointment and it would only be like a 5 minute appointment anyways. He was completely livid and over reacting with all the phone calls so I go out to the front room to tell my mother what he is doing and then someone knocks on the door. Lo, and behold, who should be a-knocking upon my front door? Brandon. He came in completely confrontational and yelling at me and my parents about how horrible I am and how I'm a dirty, lying whore. Also, he's been threatening me with a lawyer forever but today it was "my lawyer" this and "my lawyer" that. I was terrified. Brandon was saying that he had every right to be at the doctors appointments and whatever else he wants since I'm pregnant with his child. Anyways, he was yelling at me and my parents. In my house. While my younger siblings were home. SERIOUSLY, KID?! If you are trying to make things work between us let me just give you a little hint...THIS IS NOT THAT CORRECT WAY TO DO SO. I couldn't even defend myself while he was over here. I was crying and shaking and it was horrible. Thankfully my parents were there and my dad did a very good job and getting Brandon to shut his mouth. But, on the bright side the rest of my week was considerably better. My life-long pal Jessica got married and as her Maid-Of-Honor I had a lot to keep me occupied and I was just so happy for Jessica that everything that was negative got shoved away! It was wonderful! But, the next week Brandon changed YET AGAIN...

Now on to last week. He texts me and says "I talked to people and I know there is nothing I can really do and that this is your decision." Yeah...this was random. And I didn't know what to even say. He's so up and down that I could only conclude that he wasn't serious and is just going to take it back in a week as he usually does. So my week was rather depressing and I had a break down on Friday and just cried in my room and talked with my mom about how I finally knew that adoption was the right thing to do in this situation and although this is really hard for me to say, I know that this baby isn't meant for me or for Brandon. It's getting easier to talk about and I haven't really cried since telling my mom all of this, but it still gets me a little teary but only because I'm worried about Brandon's reaction since I haven't told him yet...

Hooray, now into this week. He now texts me. Every. Single. Day. Whether I reply or not. Crazy, stalker much? Anyways, he told me this week that he loves me and misses me and wants us to be together and be a family and all that jazz. Be a family? Is he serious? And LOVE?? Come on now. Love isn't something that is conditional. "Oh you are pregnant with my child so that means that I love you and want to be with you and take care of you and the baby." No, doesn't work that way. Two weeks ago it was "I hate you." and "We are going to court." Oh heeeck no, fella. Now you love me? You never stopped loving me? I'm sure that "selfish whore" and curse words were just terms of endearment before, right? Of course, of course.

One good thing about this week so far? Brandon has promised to be open minded about adoption, as long as I give him a chance and I am open minded about having a family. I know what I want, and I just want him to understand that this isn't "giving her away forever". It's placing this baby with a mother and father who will love her, raise her, and give her the life she deserves. I had an amazing childhood filled with love and family and I want my child to have that too! And since I cannot provide that myself, I will do what needs to be done in order to give her that with another family. I have been talking with LDS Social Services and I am currently looking at different couples. My "homework" for this week is to find 3 possible couples on the website. It's pretty difficult so far but that's only because the couple I was originally just in love with is no longer available. The adopted a baby today! Hooray! I am so happy for them but it still kinda sucks because they were just so perfect!

Brandon meets with LDS Social Services tomorrow at 1 and I am so worried he is going to do one of his mood switches and be totally horrible to them. Please pray for his heart to be softened and to take what they have to say to heart!!! I won't be there, since I am meeting with Alicia (the counselor I was supposed to meet last week) at the same time. Thankfully. I doubt that I would be much help with Brandon tomorrow.

Wish me luck, and please pray for Brandon to stop being so hard-headed and moody!

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