Monday, March 21, 2011

"500 LDS Girls Get Pregnant Every Year in Arizona...

....and only 75 come here and talk to us."-David from LDS Social Services
{thought this was interesting..David told me this last week while I was there and it just broke my heart. If you are pregnant and scared, go talk to LDS Social Services. They help everyone, regardless of religion. Pregnancy is difficult enough, but being alone or fighting with a boyfriend or family makes it even harder. I know. Please, go and talk with them, whether you are looking to parent, place for adoption, or just want to explore your option. They will help you anyway they can. I'm glad my parents finally dragged me there. I wish I had enough courage to call them myself, but sometimes it takes a little push in the right direction. I promise you won't regret talking to these loving people.}

Oh yikes. Another crazy, emotional weekend. Perfect way to end Spring Break, yes? (Said the liar)
Let's fill you in, blogging universe....

Friday Night
I was absolutely terrified to see Brandon. TERRIFIED. He walked into my house and I could barely look at him. He stood in the kitchen while I cleaned up the mess the kids left after dinner and waited for my mom to get out of the shower so I could say bye to her before she left for work. However, it was easy to see I was a wreck and while my mom was telling Brandon to keep me close to home that night I rushed to my room to fix my make up [blast you, extra hormones and making me cry all the time!!] My mom followed me and just hugged me while I cried. It was just so difficult to see Brandon, knowing that I would be alone with him somewhere that wasn't my home, and that we were going to talk about things I was having a hard time talking about with everyone...everything just felt so out of my control and I was a mess! My mom offered to send
Brandon away and just let me be, but I told her no because I knew that this night had to happen.
Instead of going out to dinner like he had hoped, Brandon and I went into my backyard and sat on the swing set and just talked for a few hours. It was really difficult and I cried at the beginning of the conversation, but only because it's still difficult to talk about adoption and I have a really hard time explaining it to Brandon. He has a come back for everything, it seems. And telling him how I feel so strongly about adoption doesn't seem to do much. But the evening ended on a good note and I felt a million times better. Brandon told me that even though he hates the idea, and wants to do everything he can to keep her, but he loves me and wants me to be happy. He even cried a little. I hurts me to know he is hurting, but I know that I am doing the right thing...and I am happy. For the first time in MONTHS, I am happy!!

Cleaned house all day. I'm such the little house-wife-in-training. But cue the dark cloud aka Brandon...he texted me saying, "how is this adoption benefiting anyone here, but you?" Really, Brandon...really? How am I benefiting???! This decision is killing me. But I know it's the right thing to do and that this is going to benefit HER. Our daughter. It's going to hurt us, and is going to be so incredibly painful...but she will be thanking us. In the end, I am positive this is the right decision. But other than that message, we had a pleasant conversation and just chatted. Nothing could bring me down from the happy-high I finally was in after months of depression! I know it was nothing binding like paper, but for once I felt his word was good.

Worked on my house-wife skillz. Cooked dinner with momma, and then baked chocolate chip, snicker doodle, and white chocolate chip cookies for the fam while we all played Uno! It was so relaxing and I was still on my happy-high :)

After a busy morning of classes, and then a dentist appointment I thought the day was going well! I talked a little with the girls at the dentists office about being pregnant and about what was going on with Senor Pantalones-Loco aka Brandon, and I felt so at peace about my decision to go with adoption! I know it's the right thing for my daughter and although I am heartbroken, I am happy! And everyone was so kind to me about everything and told me I was in their prayers. They were all so shocked that I am almost 7 months pregnant and still SO LITTLE!! I still am not really showing, at all. It's weird, but I know I am just going to pop one of these days..
{side note: I need to do an update with pictures for you guys..maybe tomorrow after dinner with my pals at Buffalo! hint hint Brittany and Katie look cute so we can take pictures to post on the interwebz with my little baby bump!}

I was nervous to see Brandon and to talk with Social Services, but I shoved aside my worries and did my best to keep on that happy-high from the weekend. Unfortunately, Brandon was hostile as usual and argued every little was really bad. I went in with an amazing attitude and then Brandon snapped and I just cried and had a hard time talking. One step forward, two steps back. Right? He just argued and argued and argued about how he doesn't understand why I just can't give this baby to him and his family. He kept saying that I could come around when I was ready and all I could do was cry. He did the switch again! Just when I thought the crazy had subsided, BOOM! In my face with this. Then after we had both left, he texted me and said he still won't fight me on adoption but this isn't going to be easy for him to do. I feel like I am dealing with two separate people! I don't know what I am going to do with him. He's so unstable. This is just another reason to add to the lists of why I don't want to date him, and why I will not let him parent this child if it comes down to it. He can stop adoption, but if he does he is going to have to fight me for every minute he gets with her. I refuse to be manipulated and for him to be in control.

Anyways, that was my weekend. I'm going back to Social Services tomorrow for my weekly meeting with my case manager Sharon. I adore her. She is so nice and wonderful! Just when I thought I was finally going to have stability in my life, the rug gets pulled out from under my feet yet again. Thank you all for your love and support. I can definitely say that the prayers are helping, so please keep them coming.

One Love!


  1. i can't wait for buffalo with you tomorrow my love! i promise i'll look super cute. but not cuter than you, of course. i'm sorry that brandon is still being crazy, but everything will work out! God never gives you more than you can handle, always remember that! i love you hannahbabe!

  2. Hannah Baby..I have got to give you kuddo's for the faith and hope and positivity that you have through this. I am sure it's not easy at all, from your posts, I sit back and wonder how the heck can anyone deal with this BUT heavenly father knows you can get through this and that's why he has put Brandon in your life for this amount of time. It will get better and you will not have to deal with him anymore, one day. Keep that head up and that happy-high on top! don't let anything stand in your way. Prayers are being poured out to you for love and support. You are a great example to a lot of people. Continue to be that example and do what is best for the baby and yourself. Stick to adoption, you have said it yourself, you feel it's right so don't let anything change that except Heavenly Father. Love you girl! Stay strong and courageous!