May the FOURTH Be with you

Happy National Star Wars Day!!

Am I a nerd? Yes.
Am I proud of it? FRICK YA!
Am I currently watching Star Wars Episode IV? YOU KNOW IT.
Am I wearing my Darth Vader shorts and Han Solo Shirt that reads "Hustler"? Maybe...

However awesome it is that today is NSWD, it still got started sucky -_-

I had my final exam in my Abnormal Psych class, which starts at 10 AM. Since it's my first class I usually leave 30 minutes before class, which gives me plenty of time to drive over, find a parking spot, and then make the hike to class. I'm usually there about 5 minutes before class starts. I like being on time :)

BUT, a few weeks ago, my mother's car broke down and is now parked out in the hot sun getting dirty. My car is actually my parents, so whenever my mom needs a car I give her the keys. It always works out well too and doesn't conflict with my schedule at all. But this morning, she decided to drive my car to the gym. Usually, this isn't a problem as long as she's home by 9:30 or I have my things for class out of the car. Unfortunately, I left all of my scantrons in the backseat. You can see why I started to panic when it hit 9:40 and she wasn't answering her phone or the texts I was sending. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. I even started crying. Haha so lame...darn you hormones! You make everything so much more dramatic!!!!

A few minutes later my mom pulled up and I sped to class. After finally finding a parking spot, I realized I didn't have my wallet and got super lucky that I didn't get pulled over for speeding...I was doing at least 60...in a 45. Yeah. I was freaked out about missing the exam.

So although my morning got off to a bad start and I'm pretty sure I did horrible on my exam, I kept positive and did my best to survive until lunchtime..

Which is when I met up with The Couple at my favorite place ever for lunch..

COSTA VIDA!!

Seriously, that place is so amazing. I brought Jessica with me and introduced her to the deliciousness that is Costa.
Mmmm <3 I'm missing it already, even though my stomach is still full from eating there 6 hours ago. Yeah, it's THAT good.
If you haven't eaten at Costa, I suggest you crawl out of the hole you call your life and go eat some NOW.
You won't regret it.

I always get the shredded beef salad with everything on it and extra ranch <3
I know what you're thinking...

"A salad? Really, Hannah? You're freaking lame."

For that comment I should smack you!
Their salads are the bomb.com
Honestly.
Go eat one.
Your taste buds and tummy will be thanking me.

ANYWAYS, enough about the yummyness...

The Couple was sweet and awesome, as usual. I honestly love them so much. They deserve a baby!! Even if the other birthmother they are talking to claims them before I get a chance to. That's cool. Just get them a stinking baby already!!
They are both so sweet and funny and just an awesome couple!

I explained to them a little more about Brandon and all the drama that has happened with him, including the time where he came to my house and yelled at my parents and myself. I also told them about our experience with the Adoption Case Manager (David) and about Brandon's reaction when he got served the papers. I could tell they were both aghast at how he treated me...funny how it doesn't even phase me anymore. It means a lot o me to know that they sincerely do care about me and not just the baby I'm carrying.


But, overall lunch was awesome and I'm very glad that I went and Jessica did too :) She likes them.


However, all good thing must come to an end....

A few minutes ago I received a phone call from a lady in my stake..
she wanted to talk to my mother, but after I told her that my mom had already left for work she asked if she could just talk to me...I said alright, and cue the *sigh*

She asked how things with the pregnancy were going. I know it's not a secret that my eggo is preggo, but it still surprises me when people I didn't tell start talking about it. Haha. I told her that things have been pretty alright and the pregnancy has been pretty easy for me. She then started telling me about her niece and nephew who were looking to adopt and what amazing parents they would be. I asked if they were on the It's About Love website and asked their names so I could look them up.

This isn't the first time that someone has told me about someone they knew who was looking to adopt.

Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand why people would tell me that. But honestly, it kinda bugs me. It's just so awkward for me to sit here and have people plead their cases or the cases of others to me. It just breaks my heart to know that so many people are without children..but to plead with me for my child...it's just weird and depresses me. I'm already torn enough by everything that is going on. I know that everyone just wants the best for me and for my daughter and they feel such pain and sympathy that I have to make this decision, but no one knows exactly how I am feeling.

I hope I don't sound all lame and depressive and whiny. I promise, I'm not haha. This is just such and awkward position to be in, and I've never been one who likes to share my feelings. This posting everything on a blog thing is so new to me, and although it is helping me cope with my emotions better it is still so weird. I feel like such a baby...haha

But I guess what I am trying to say is please don't plead the case of a couple you know who is looking to adopt to a potential birthmother.

This is the hardest thing for a single pregnant woman to do. The last thing any of us want is more sorrow and pleading.




Also, I've been texting my mom throughout this post about the sister who called. Just now, she said:

"Are you just unsure or leaning towards keeping?"

To which I responded:

"I'm really split down the middle. I want her so bad...and I know I'm not the only one. Don't lie to me. You want her just as bad as I do. If not more."

I'm in tears now. Especially after her last message...

"Hannah, she is yours to keep or give."

That doesn't help me at all! It makes it even worse knowing how badly my family wants this baby.
This whole situation is just horrible. I don't wish it upon anyone, even the people who are jerks and say horrible things about me. I hope none of you readers ever have to go through this. And if you do, please talk about it. Don't keep it locked up inside. Pregnancy is hard already. Don't make it tougher by keeping in all these emotions!!! (Not that you can really keep it in long, anyways. Sooner or later you will have a breakdown like I did and it will suuuucccckkkk. So don't go there.)

I have such a tough decision ahead of me. I just wish it was one I didn't have to make.

Questions

I have so many questions on my mind lately.

It seems like they never stop.

It's exhausting.

But, the worst part of all is asking the same question over and over again...

Did I make a mistake by not getting back together with him??


Everything would have been paid for.
A house.
A car.
My credit card bill.
School.
Groceries.
EVERYTHING.

Now I sit here...alone and heartbroken.
Wondering "What if..."

Last Tuesday..

Last Tuesday, I met The Couple, whom I have been e-mailing for the past month or so.  
That morning I woke up, showered, and tried to get somewhat cute and presentable. As of late, I have been so dang tired that I usually just throw on a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt and run to school.
Okay, not literally run, but drive really really fast to make sure that I'm not late to class.

During my lunch break and drove over to my Bestie's house and ate some fatty-awesome Taco Bell with her. Our schedules are both so hectic that we hardly talk or hang out any more. It's quite depressing. We talked and caught up on life, and everything was okay...until I started crying. I am so torn about what I am going to do once Brandon's time to file is up. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. I explained to her how lost and confused I feel. I want to be this child's mother. So badly. I want to hold her and kiss her and just love her forever. I want her to be mine. Expressing this is so painful. I'm sobbing as I write this. My brother sitting on the couch is trying to awkwardly ignore me. Poor kid...hahha.

Driving to meet The Couple, I teared up even more. I hate being so emotional!! When I got there I took a few minutes with my Caseworker and collected my self. I felt like such a mess, and knew I looked a mess too! It was horrible. I had actually taken time to prepare myself and look good, and I end up crying and getting that red poofy look! Not appealing. Luckily my caseworker is an angel and after I had calmed down she brought in the couple. She also did most of the talking, since I couldn't really form complete sentences. I talked when I felt like it, for the most part. I answered some questions, and even cracked some jokes. It wasn't awkward at all talking to them! I can honestly say I adore this couple. They are both so fun, outgoing, and loving! I told them a little about the Brandon situation, and I could tell how heartbroken for me they were. For me! I mean, I bet they were excited because this situation could bring them a child, but I could see in their eyes how sad they were that I was going through this and all the pain Brandon has brought to my life. At the end of our little chat (one hour later...which really felt like only a couple minutes), we hugged and said our goodbyes. They said they would contact me soon and we'd all go out for lunch or something.

After they left I felt good about meeting them, but cried some more. I seriously cry so much. It's embarrassing. I have always felt really uncomfortable talking about my emotions and what I'm really feeling. Lately it has gotten even worse, and I blame that on pregnancy. Darn you, hormones!!!


So, overall my experience with The Couple was amazing. I love them! And I really hope that, even if not through me, they find a child soon. I know that they are currently talking to another girl, but that doesn't really bother me. It just makes me excited for them! They are awesome and deserve a baby soon!


I received an e-mail from them later on that night saying how happy they were to finally be able to put a face to my e-mails. We have continued contact, and even exchanged phone numbers and are planning to get lunch on Wednesday. I invited my mother to come too...but she's just not ready for that. I understand but it breaks my heart even more to see her hurting about this than anything else I have experienced thus far.


I wish there was an easy button.

Seriously, how amazing would it be to have one like in the Staples commercials? You just push it, and the right choice was placed before you! I can just hear the "That was easy.."

Sadly, life isn't easy. But maybe I'll just get myself one of those buttons anyways just for laughs.

I am so excited for what the future holds. Yet, at the same time, I am terrified.

I guess only time will tell.

Hannah

ps excuse my odd colors. Blogger and I are not getting along today. Haha :)

32 Weeks Update!

"Good morning Star Shine! The Earth says, 'HELLO!'"
-Willy Wonka

My Aunt would always say this to me after I woke up when I was little and it has just stuck with me after all these years.
Oh, dear Aunt Cece.

Now, I know what you're thinking..

"FINALLY SOME PICTURES!!!"

Sorry it took so long! A million apologies! I am just horrible at taking photos, especially when they are of me. But luckily Easter Sunday was yesterday and my Mother wanted pictures of me looking all cute and snazzy for church!

Lovvee that dress :) Especially since it was on sale!! Thank youuu, JC Penny!

I also had my 32 week check up today with Dr. Beck. My mother went with me. I love having her around for stuff like this. I've gained another 4 pounds!! Holy Mackerel! Baby girl definitely is starting to get bigger. She's squished!!! You can tell how squished she is in these pictures from her 3D ULTRASOUND!!

Amazing, huh? I love today's technology.

{See her little fist in front of her face? What a punk!}

{Ahhh! Those chunky cheeks!! I think this is my favorite}

{Pretty sure she's scowling because of all the poking going on. Sorry, baby. We wanted to see that face!}

{poor little squished nose! she doesn't have much room anymore.}

Wanna know what I don't love?

How baby girl decided she wanted her hands up in front of her face the whole time! We had to poke and push her just to get these few shots of her little face. The dork.

But she's precious, that's for sure. AND she has the Holt Family Cheeks :) We all have such big cheeks. My mother was laughing when baby girls hand finally moved and we saw those cheeks of hers. I just want to kiss them!!

I can't believe I only have 7 more weeks...it's crazy. I am just barely starting to look preggo too! The next few weeks are going to be nothing but weight gain. Awesome. It's already difficult to sleep as is it!! Getting comfortable is the worst. Methinks I need to start using that Maternity Body Pillow...


COUPLE UPDATE:
I meet the couple I've been talking to TOMORROW! Ahhh, so excited :)

Baby Daddy Update:
14 Days left.
(Yes, I do have a little countdown timer on my lap top.....don't judge me. hahaha)
No word from him yet...I know he is really hurt by my decision, and I feel horrible about that. I hate causing anyone pain. But, I know what I'm doing is right. It kills me, don't get me wrong. I've been crying a lot more lately because I know my time with her is short...I wish I could keep her forever. But I know that she is meant for a loving couple, and having the knowledge that everything will work out the way it is meant to comforts me.

Thank you all so much for the continuous love and support. It means the world to me, even if I may not know you personally.

One Love,
Hannah

"Every day, there is a choice...

...And through the joy, through the pain...
I will rejoice."

-Light by The Rocket Summer

I absolutely love this song. Actually, I love The Rocket Summer! Seeing Bryce Avery in concert was the most amazing experience ever, let me tell you.

I would post a video of the song, but the CD isn't even out yet and the only versions of it are live and difficult to hear :(

SAD DAY.

This past week has been so crazy.

I'm sick, yet again. It's these dang allergies! The worst part of it is that my nausea meds have seemed to stop working. I've been throwing up again :( It's horrible! Last night I was awake until 4 AM. I just was so sick and couldn't get comfortable at all. Plus the little lady decided at 3 AM was the perfect time to do somersaults and punch my ribs. Silly me, I thought 3 AM was meant for sleeping. Guess I was mistaken. Thank goodness I have my Doctors appointment on Monday and I can ask for some help with the nausea. Also, said doctors appointment will be AWESOME because I'm getting a 3D Ultrasound of my little girl!! AHH! So excited to see her face. Hopefully, she looks more like me than Brandon. I mean lets face it, I'm a pretty attractive lady!! Hahahhaa just kiddin', I just don't want her to look like Brandon since he's a jerkface. Jerkfaces aren't attractive. Nope.

Outside of pregnancy, I'm just doing my best to not drown in my classes with all the last minute projects my professors are throwing at me. For example, Today I turned in a paper for my cinema class that was worth 75% OF MY GRADE. Yeah, that's right. 75%. I also did a presentation today in the same class that was worth 25% of my grade. This teacher lady is insane. I'm so worried about how I did. I was nervous to present, and since I've been sick all week I had a difficult time standing and talking loud enough to be heard. But teacher lady did a lot of smiling and nodding so I'm guessing I did alright. I hope I get a good grade on those two major projects!!!!

School...I loathe you some times.

BUT, you are necessary.

Couple Update:

I meet with the couple I have been emailing on Tuesday! I'm so excited, and I know they are too! They even emailed me on Tuesday saying that they hope school was calming down for me and that they were excited to finally meet me! Ah, excited.

Also, the couple that originally got me interested in adoption...well their adoption fell through. The birthmother decided to keep her little boy after all.

It just breaks my heart. They had the nursery all set up and had clothes and little shoes and stuff...they even got to hold him at the hospital after he was born. 

I know how hard it must be for them..but I also understand why the birthmother decided to keep her little boy. It's such a difficult thing to do... I only pray that somehow I get through this. I know it's going to be hard, but I also know it's going to be worth it to place her with a real family that is going to just spoil her rotten and love her and raise her...all in ways that I just cannot. It's sad...but makes me happy at the same time.

Anyways, I'm probably going to contact this couple too...maybe. I'll talk with Sharon about it Tuesday.

I just don't want to get anyones hopes up only to break their hearts by choosing another couple or having Brandon file the Intent to Parent papers...Luckily he only has 17 more days to file.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS!!!

Time to get back to studying for Abnormal Psych exam tomorrow. *Le Sigh*....

Have a wonderful evening, dearest reader!

Let the Countdown Begin!

Things are crazy crazy crazy...I'm just skipping the weekend update and focusing on today, since that's where the "interesting" stuff is.


Brandon was supposed to meet with me and Sharon to discuss what future paperwork would be coming his way. When I texted him to remind him about the appointment he responded with a curt "Nope. Busy." Errmm, okay, thanks for the heads up I guess. Immediately after that I received another text yelling at me about the papers he got served on Sunday. Insert "OH CRAP!" here and initiate panic.


 I had no idea he was getting served before our meeting with Sharon. I don't even know his address, how am I supposed to have him served? He yelled and yelled and didn't believe I was in the dark about him getting served. I basically had a mini panic attack in the middle of my Abnormal Psych class while all this was happening. I was stressed before with all these last minute projects for some of my classes and then Brandon freaking out at me just made everything so much more difficult! I really just wanted to cry. But I made it through the reast of my classes and immediately went and met with Sharon and explained what had happened.


I don't know what I would do without Sharon. She calmed me down and helped me realize that regardless of timing, Brandon would still freak out about being served. Plus he keeps saying that he refuses to sign a thing until paternity is proven, but we don't have that kind of time to just sit around. The ball is now in his court, and although this is terrifying, he has a limited amount of time to respond. Whatever happens next, I know it will be alright. If he files the papers with the courts, then it's time to step up and work out custody, which he will be limited to and I will make sure of that. My daughter deserves the best, and Brandon is unstable and I refuse to have my daughter around that. If he doesn't file with the courts, then I can continue with adoption. I really hope he doesn't...but until then I am living in constant fear. Every car door that slams outside my house and every time the door bell rings I jump. I am terrified. But I know that the clock has already begun to tick and that comforts me a little.


So, although I am stressed and emotionally exhausted, I know things will work out the way they are meant to. I only ask for your thoughts and prayers for me and my little one. I know I ask for this a lot, but I know they are helping and I can see it and feel it every day.


Love, Hannah and the little lady who is currently kicking my ribs :)

Sicky McSick Sick!

I'm not feeling to well this past week, so this post may be a little bit short. I never had bad morning sickness, but my allergies have always been super bad and my nose is always runny, and the excess drainage (boy, that sounds gross. sorry!) is not mixing well with my sensitive gag reflex. Thank the Lord that I have my nausea pills. They have saved me from certain death. That's why this last week has been tough though, I ran out of pills! So there was a three day gap where I was just sick all the time while I waited for my prescription. It stunk.

Now that I have filled you in on my gross vomiting issues, I shall tell you about the last few days!

As you know, on Wednesday I contacted a couple I really liked, and on Thursday they responded! It's kind of awkward because I don't know what to say, but we exchanged a few e-mails. I feel really good about it and cannot wait to possibly meet them.
Later that night Brandon texted me and told me he didn't have any feelings for me. Kay..cool. He repeated that about 4 times. It was rather annoying and I couldn't help but cry a little. Now, I didn't cry because he took back the "I love you"s, I cried because I am so sick and tired of his mood swings and personality changes. I could never have a relationship with this man because of how unstable he is. One week it's I hate you and the next it's I love you and the cycle continues. I'm already emotional enough with these extra hormones and as my due date gets closer I get more and more stressed and attached to my little girl. Ahh, I can't talk about this right now. Sorry guys. Too emotional haha

Friday
After my classes I went and talked to my counselor, Alecia. Talking with her has made everything a little easier for me. I hated being depressed and although I'm starting to get super emotional again I'm happy and thankful it's not the depression coming back around. The next few weeks are going to be tough and I'm glad I have her to go talk with on Fridays.

Saturday
After a morning of watching Conference and cleaning and baking cinnamon rolls with my momma, Brandon came over and we looked at adoptive couples on the It's About Love website. He made it so awkward and difficult. He was rude, as usual, too. But whatever. He did pick 4 couples (including the one I like and contacted!) But there was one couple we looked at that I liked but when Brandon saw that they had gone to BYU he freaked and basically yelled NO. Uhm, calm down. He was also upset that the couples on the website were all LDS. Uhm, okay. I explained to him that I want her to be with an LDS couple because I want her raised in the church. Brandon, who is not religious at all, didn't agree. I then proceeded to tell him that even if she stayed with us and we raised her that she would be raised in the church and would be attending church. Again, he was upset. But whatever. He can go suck eggs. He is also trying to get me to spend time with him and his 2 yr old son. Not too thrilled about this. Everything is already difficult as it is.

Nothing to report for Sunday or Monday. Although, I did watch A Beautiful Mind on Monday and it was fascinating. I had to watch it for my Abnormal Psych class and write a small paper about it where I diagnosed the main character, John Nash. It was totally awesome. My mother watched it with me and we ate Krazy Sub :) Let me tell you, I loooove me some KSub and time with my momma bear.

Tuesday
I had another meeting with Sharon today and we set up a meeting with Brandon for next Monday to talk to him and explain what paper work will be coming his way. Since he refuses to sign any forms until DNA Testing is done and he is listed as the father, Sharon and I are hoping to catch him in a loop hole...but I won't post any details on that until that blessed day comes, haha. The rest of our meeting was spent talking about what happens next with adoption. I am hopefully meeting the couple I like in the next week or so. We also talked about how open I would possibly like the adoption to be, and what the hospital would be like. Ahh, here I go getting teary-eyed again. It's so hard to talk about. Daggum, extra hormones! Yer killin' me! Sharon was a little teary today as well, we both were. Gosh, I love her. I'm very glad I have her to help me through this.

Well, for fear of crying I must end this post. Sorry guys. Maybe I can come back and post more later when the hormones calm down. Today has just been too much!