Journaling

Let my just start this by saying that this is not a freaking sympathy post. I'm not looking for any type of sympathy here. At all. I'm just writing out my feelings, because it's the only way I know how to express myself anymore. I'm not good at writing things down in a bound book, but for some reason writing what I'm going down through on this blog makes me feel better. Maybe it's because I feel like posting my experience on the Internet just makes me feel like I am helping others. Maybe some day someone will stumble accross this blog and something I wrote will help them in their lives. Perhaps I just write on the Internet so that I feel "heard"...I don't know.

For me, journaling is how I coup with all these extra emotions. I have never been the type of person to let my emotions run rapid, but it's always easy to see how I'm feeling. I try to lock it all it because I hate feeling so vulnerable. I hate that you can take one single look at me, and know exactly how I'm feeling. Especially as of late. I don't want anoyone else to ever feel the things I am feeling now, and when someone tries to sympathsize it just hurts me even more. I don't want anyone else to hurt, especially on my account. That's why I try to keep these emotions under wraps, even if it means that I am going to hurt more. I'd rather hurt myself and feel alone than anyone else hurt.

Everyone knows that placing your child with an adoptive couple is a difficult thing. That is a given. I knew that these emotions were going to be tougher to handle and stronger than anything I'd ever experienced before. I knew it would be heartbreaking to see my little girl grow up in someone else's arms. But just because I knew these things doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I’m sick of people asking if I’m okay. Obviously I’m going to tell you I’m fine just so you will leave me alone. I don’t want to be told how strong I am or that you are proud of me. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to be hugged. I understand you love me and just want me to be happy and that you worry about me. I get it. I can handle the emotional overload that I feel on a constant level, but I can't handle the emotions of other people too.

I have my days where I hate how things turned out and I wish they were different. Doesn’t mean a thing because I would never change what happened. I’d rather just sit here in my hurt and ignore everything else. Just let me sit here in my room all day and ignore the outside world. Let me sit here and proccess these emotions that have taken over my life, otherwise I'll have a massive breakdown at the smallest little things and we definitely don't want that again. There are even days where I'd rather not even acknowledge that I even had a baby. Sometimes its just easier that way. I must sound crazy right now. Saying that some days it's just easier to pretend I didn't have a baby and that everything is normal. Since when has my life ever been normal? I wish desperately that now, more than ever, my life was normal. I wish that instead of waking up alone I would wake up to a man that loves me and our precious child. I wish I was in my own home and raising my little girl. I wish a lot of things were different. But now that I've said that I want to go back and erase it because I know that by saying that someone is going to be hurting. Hurting for my pain.

I can't handle knowing that my pain is hurting someone else. Hopefully the person I worry about hurting the most doesn't read this for a while...