Sunday, August 28, 2011

This Is For Madden

Sorry it's taken me so long to post. SO much has been going on since school started and I am super busy with classes. Homework and studying takes up a majority of my time now. It's horrible, but I am so ready to apply for graduation and get my associates so I can move to Washington! It's almost official that I will be moving up to Lacey, Washington to live with my aunt and her two daughters in January. I'll help my aunt out in any way that I can while also finding a job and saving like crazy so I can move out and apply for the Dental Hygiene program in December at Eastern Washington University!! It's crazy competitive up there since that's the only Bachelors Degree in the entire state...but I guess that since I'll be up there for a year before I can apply anyways that I can decide if I really want to go to school up there or come back down here to NAU. Only time will tell!

(Warning, don't read anymore unless you feel like a good cry...I'm warning you! I won't be offended if you just stop reading now. :) )

I still see Madden quite a bit. In fact I've seen her just about every week since we got back from Lake Powell. I'm so lucky that Madden and her parents live so close and that I can call them whenever and I can see them! I'm probably such a burden and annoying...I feel bad. If I could see her every day I probably would, but I try to separate Madden from my daily routine because I know that she needs to have that separation with me and her parents too. I don't want her growing up all confused, haha. Luckily for me school and other matters often fill my day.I would say that every thing reminds me of Madden, but that's not true since Madden never leaves my thoughts. She is always on my mind and I am always thinking about her and how much I love her. Hopefully some day she will be able to read this and know how much she REALLY means to me.

(Well, I warned you..I bawlled my eyes out while writing this. Better grab the tissue box now.)

I know I say this a lot, but words never will be able to describe how much I love you, Madden Rae. You really are my everything and I had no idea I could feel this strongly about anything. Nothing compares to my love for you, and I doubt anything will. When you have your first child and hold them for the first time...that's when you'll finally understand how much I love you my dear sweet girl. No one will ever take your place in my heart. I can't go a single moment without thinking about you. Sometimes I have to fight back tears in the middle of class because I am so overcome with love for you. I bet people think I'm crazy when they see me wiping away tears in the middle of a lecture about human anatomy. I am finding it more and more difficult to be able to express myself when it comes to you. I am very open with every one and when someone asks me about you, I tell them all they want to know. I try to hold back the tears, and for the most part I am really good at it. But every so often a tear will sneak in there and then the person I'm talking to will feel so bad and start to apologize, but I tell them to not worry about because they aren't tears of sadness. They are tears of happiness, joy and love. Yes, I am sad that I am not your mom and that I don't get to see you everyday. But I know I gave you the most wonderful family that anyone could ever ask for. I love your parents almost as much as I love you. They mean so much to me. I hope you never give them any trouble and that you understand how lucky you are to have them, little Madden. I am truly blessed to know those two amazing people that you call Mom and Dad. They make me want to be a better person, and you make me love life more than ever before. There are times when I just sit and cry, but again you need to remember that they aren't tears of pain. Well, sometimes they are...but not usually! I don't want you (or your dear sweet mom and possibly your dad who is reading this too) to ever remember me as a sad, always crying person.  I want you to remember me as someone who loves you more than her own life. That is why I placed you with Justin and Stacy. Because I love you and knew that you deserved more than what I had to offer. Another birthmother that I adore posted this the other day and I feel like it is completely accurate in describing why I placed you..

"A birthmother places the needs of her child, above the wants of her heart."

Madden, I wanted you more than I have ever wanted anything. I was so ready to be a mom and raise you, even if it meant raising you on my own. I would have done it. I wanted to do it. But when I finally forced myself to stop thinking about just me and myself I realized that I was being selfish. You deserved a stable home and a family. You needed  a mom and a dad that were together and that were in love. You needed Justin and Stacy, and they needed you. I can only hope that you will love me back and not hate me for what I chose for biggest fear is that you won't want me around when you are older. My other fear is that your parents and I lose touch or that this adoption becomes closed...I'm so frightened of losing this bond I have with your parents and losing you. I'm shaking as I write this because I can't even bear the thought of losing you. I love you, Madden, and the only other people who love you like I do are your parents. You are lucky to have them, even though it hurts me to think that I wasn't good enough. I hope that we always remain close and that we never lose contact.

I love you forever, my Madden Rae.