The past few days have been really difficult.
I'm very stressed about money and school. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't even leave my bed without having a mini-breakdown. Tonight I was supposed to go to a Birthmother Pamper Night at LDS Social Services with The Couple and Madden but I couldn't bring myself to go. I just feel so uncomfortable being there...It brings back way to many painful memories and I just can't do it. I feel so weak and stupid. I feel even worse for cancelling on The Couple. it just hurts too much to even think about being there with all those other birthmom's....But the one thing that has come back this week is the hurt of not having Madden in my arms.
I miss her so much. I feel like I can't even function. I just want to curl up in a ball and not feel anything. I just want to shut the door, turn off the lights and disappear.
This is the most I have cried since I came home that first day without Madden. Although I know I did the right thing for Madden by placing her I can't help but hate myself and just hurt and cry. I still feel so alone and unloved even though I know I have tons of people who care about me. I know that healing takes time but I just hurt so badly. My heart aches daily for Madden. I wanted her so badly...I wish that things were different and it hurts me to know that I am not Madden's mother. I don't even know where to go from here. All I want is to not hurt anymore.
I just received a package in the mail today from Blessings in a Basket, which is a group of wonderful people who send these beautiful baskets out to birthmothers. It has a bunch of things in it like a journal, picture frame, and a necklace with the date the baby was born on along with a few other hand made items from etsy shops and such that were donated.
I saw this package and started bawling. I don't understand how I can feel so alone and yet have all these people I don't even know send me words of encouragement and love.
It's been 11 weeks since Madden was born and these feelings are all still so raw. I know it takes time to heal but all I feel like I can do is sit here and cry.
I just don't know what to do right now.