The past few days have been really difficult.
I'm very stressed about money and school. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't even leave my bed without having a mini-breakdown. Tonight I was supposed to go to a Birthmother Pamper Night at LDS Social Services with The Couple and Madden but I couldn't bring myself to go. I just feel so uncomfortable being there...It brings back way to many painful memories and I just can't do it. I feel so weak and stupid. I feel even worse for cancelling on The Couple. it just hurts too much to even think about being there with all those other birthmom's....But the one thing that has come back this week is the hurt of not having Madden in my arms.
I miss her so much. I feel like I can't even function. I just want to curl up in a ball and not feel anything. I just want to shut the door, turn off the lights and disappear.
This is the most I have cried since I came home that first day without Madden. Although I know I did the right thing for Madden by placing her I can't help but hate myself and just hurt and cry. I still feel so alone and unloved even though I know I have tons of people who care about me. I know that healing takes time but I just hurt so badly. My heart aches daily for Madden. I wanted her so badly...I wish that things were different and it hurts me to know that I am not Madden's mother. I don't even know where to go from here. All I want is to not hurt anymore.
I just received a package in the mail today from Blessings in a Basket, which is a group of wonderful people who send these beautiful baskets out to birthmothers. It has a bunch of things in it like a journal, picture frame, and a necklace with the date the baby was born on along with a few other hand made items from etsy shops and such that were donated.
I saw this package and started bawling. I don't understand how I can feel so alone and yet have all these people I don't even know send me words of encouragement and love.
It's been 11 weeks since Madden was born and these feelings are all still so raw. I know it takes time to heal but all I feel like I can do is sit here and cry.
I just don't know what to do right now.
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ReplyDeleteI love you Hannah girl.
ReplyDeletehannah you are right about having many who love and care about you. I know that what you are going through is hard and I know that there is one other person who knows exactly how you feel. Christ can help heal our hearts. It does take time, but the time is what makes it worth it. Years from now you will be able to look back at this time in your life and wonder how in the world you got through it because you feel so affected right now. I do know that Heavenly Father never takes something away from us without replacing it with something better. Walk tall you are in fact, a beautiful, spunky, wonderful, and loved daughter of God. I love you and I look up to you for your courage. Keep your chin up baby! I love you hannah <3
ReplyDeleteHanna a child is something to cherish and many people will love what you have done for a couple who cannot achieve what you have done for them. You are a very giving person to do so and I believe they can never ever repay what you have done for them. A child is like a beacon of light that comes from you no matter what happens from that day forward you have given life to the world. If you can find any solace you can always have another beautiful baby. Lord knows I hope some day to have a family myself but it takes patients and understanding. There are two roads you were able to help a family in need of something they could never do on there own. When you find that perfect man you can experience those things again when the time is right.
ReplyDeleteMy mom tells me all the time when I say I can't do something or "if that happened to me I don't think I could survive." She says, "You will be amazed what the Lord knows you can do." He really won't ask us to go through something we can't. It just sucks actually going through it. ;-) I know you can do it because you are.
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