Just Another Tough Day..

The past few days have been really difficult.

I'm very stressed about money and school. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't even leave my bed without having a mini-breakdown. Tonight I was supposed to go to a Birthmother Pamper Night at LDS Social Services with The Couple and Madden but I couldn't bring myself to go. I just feel so uncomfortable being there...It brings back way to many painful memories and I just can't do it. I feel so weak and stupid. I feel even worse for cancelling on The Couple. it just hurts too much to even think about being there with all those other birthmom's....But the one thing that has come back this week is the hurt of not having Madden in my arms.
I miss her so much. I feel like I can't even function. I just want to curl up in a ball and not feel anything. I just want to shut the door, turn off the lights and disappear.

This is the most I have cried since I came home that first day without Madden. Although I know I did the right thing for Madden by placing her I can't help but hate myself and just hurt and cry. I still feel so alone and unloved even though I know I have tons of people who care about me. I know that healing takes time but I just hurt so badly. My heart aches daily for Madden. I wanted her so badly...I wish that things were different and it hurts me to know that I am not Madden's mother. I don't even know where to go from here. All I want is to not hurt anymore.

I just received a package in the mail today from Blessings in a Basket, which is a group of wonderful people who send these beautiful baskets out to birthmothers. It has a bunch of things in it like a journal, picture frame, and a necklace with the date the baby was born on along with a few other hand made items from etsy shops and such that were donated.

I saw this package and started bawling. I don't understand how I can feel so alone and yet have all these people I don't even know send me words of encouragement and love.

It's been 11 weeks since Madden was born and these feelings are all still so raw. I know it takes time to heal but all I feel like I can do is sit here and cry.
I just don't know what to do right now.

I need to vent.

Okay I am just way too stressed out right now. School is seriously so overwhelming. I've never had this much homework and studying before. Ever. I seriously do not know how to manage it. Then on top of the homework I have to worry about paying for school. Usually it's not a big deal because I get grants and stuff but this year I couldn't file for help from FAFSA at all. So I'm paying out of my savings account and I'm down to my last $100 and I'm on a payment plan for school where I pay a part of the money I owe for school at the beginning of every month....My parents said they would pay the tuition and then I'd only have to pay for books so I wasn't stressed at all in the beginning. But now my parents can't pay this payment and I'm freaking out. I would have been fine to pay it all on my own but I used so much money on books this semester that now I can't afford it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm seriously so stressed out. I'm cancelling basically every fun thing I had planned this week just to make sure I get my homework done so I can drive my sister up to Snowflake this weekend. For example I was supposed to go to Birthmother Pamper Night with Stacy tomorrow night and now I'm just so overwhelmed and freaking out about school and my lack of money that I just texted her and told her that I can't go anymore. I mean, I was kinda iffy about it in the first place but I was so excited to just hang out with Stacy. Now I can't even imagine leaving the house for fear of falling behind in my classes or having a melt down and just crying in public. And I feel like crap for cancelling on her. I need to get a freaking job but I don't have any time and I doubt I could even balance school AND work. I don't know what to do anymore. Oh, and to top it all off all this stress is just making me miss Madden and feel crappy about everything. Great. Thanks life. Stupid money and stupid school...

This Is For Madden

Sorry it's taken me so long to post. SO much has been going on since school started and I am super busy with classes. Homework and studying takes up a majority of my time now. It's horrible, but I am so ready to apply for graduation and get my associates so I can move to Washington! It's almost official that I will be moving up to Lacey, Washington to live with my aunt and her two daughters in January. I'll help my aunt out in any way that I can while also finding a job and saving like crazy so I can move out and apply for the Dental Hygiene program in December at Eastern Washington University!! It's crazy competitive up there since that's the only Bachelors Degree in the entire state...but I guess that since I'll be up there for a year before I can apply anyways that I can decide if I really want to go to school up there or come back down here to NAU. Only time will tell!

(Warning, don't read anymore unless you feel like a good cry...I'm warning you! I won't be offended if you just stop reading now. :) )

I still see Madden quite a bit. In fact I've seen her just about every week since we got back from Lake Powell. I'm so lucky that Madden and her parents live so close and that I can call them whenever and I can see them! I'm probably such a burden and annoying...I feel bad. If I could see her every day I probably would, but I try to separate Madden from my daily routine because I know that she needs to have that separation with me and her parents too. I don't want her growing up all confused, haha. Luckily for me school and other matters often fill my day.I would say that every thing reminds me of Madden, but that's not true since Madden never leaves my thoughts. She is always on my mind and I am always thinking about her and how much I love her. Hopefully some day she will be able to read this and know how much she REALLY means to me.

(Well, I warned you..I bawlled my eyes out while writing this. Better grab the tissue box now.)

I know I say this a lot, but words never will be able to describe how much I love you, Madden Rae. You really are my everything and I had no idea I could feel this strongly about anything. Nothing compares to my love for you, and I doubt anything will. When you have your first child and hold them for the first time...that's when you'll finally understand how much I love you my dear sweet girl. No one will ever take your place in my heart. I can't go a single moment without thinking about you. Sometimes I have to fight back tears in the middle of class because I am so overcome with love for you. I bet people think I'm crazy when they see me wiping away tears in the middle of a lecture about human anatomy. I am finding it more and more difficult to be able to express myself when it comes to you. I am very open with every one and when someone asks me about you, I tell them all they want to know. I try to hold back the tears, and for the most part I am really good at it. But every so often a tear will sneak in there and then the person I'm talking to will feel so bad and start to apologize, but I tell them to not worry about because they aren't tears of sadness. They are tears of happiness, joy and love. Yes, I am sad that I am not your mom and that I don't get to see you everyday. But I know I gave you the most wonderful family that anyone could ever ask for. I love your parents almost as much as I love you. They mean so much to me. I hope you never give them any trouble and that you understand how lucky you are to have them, little Madden. I am truly blessed to know those two amazing people that you call Mom and Dad. They make me want to be a better person, and you make me love life more than ever before. There are times when I just sit and cry, but again you need to remember that they aren't tears of pain. Well, sometimes they are...but not usually! I don't want you (or your dear sweet mom and possibly your dad who is reading this too) to ever remember me as a sad, always crying person.  I want you to remember me as someone who loves you more than her own life. That is why I placed you with Justin and Stacy. Because I love you and knew that you deserved more than what I had to offer. Another birthmother that I adore posted this the other day and I feel like it is completely accurate in describing why I placed you..

"A birthmother places the needs of her child, above the wants of her heart."

Madden, I wanted you more than I have ever wanted anything. I was so ready to be a mom and raise you, even if it meant raising you on my own. I would have done it. I wanted to do it. But when I finally forced myself to stop thinking about just me and myself I realized that I was being selfish. You deserved a stable home and a family. You needed  a mom and a dad that were together and that were in love. You needed Justin and Stacy, and they needed you. I can only hope that you will love me back and not hate me for what I chose for you...my biggest fear is that you won't want me around when you are older. My other fear is that your parents and I lose touch or that this adoption becomes closed...I'm so frightened of losing this bond I have with your parents and losing you. I'm shaking as I write this because I can't even bear the thought of losing you. I love you, Madden, and the only other people who love you like I do are your parents. You are lucky to have them, even though it hurts me to think that I wasn't good enough. I hope that we always remain close and that we never lose contact.

I love you forever, my Madden Rae.

Father's Day 2011; 4 days old

I woke up excited and nervous.
I was invited over to spend some time with Madden and her Parents.
I wanted to go so badly, but I also didn't want to be interuptting their first official day as a family.
Plus it was Father's Day!!!
But eventually I gathered up the courage and drove over to The Couple's house.

I got to hang out with Stacy and Madden for a while since Justin was at church.
I taught Stacy how to give Madden a bath :)
It was great fun to just spend time and talk with Stacy.
She has become such a good friend of mine and I adore her.

Justin came home and it was so neat to be able to see this new little family together.

The only difficult part was thinking about how different this day could have been if Brandon had filed those papers...
But I tried not to dwell on that too much.

Leaving was a little bit hard, but knowing that Madden was never too far away and helped and I was able to go home with a plate of yummy cookies made by Stacy and zero tears.

Later that evening I went with my family to visit Grandma Rose who is in a rehab center.
She fell and broke her pelvis a few weeks before Madden was born.
I took the picture book that The Couple had given me that has pictures of Madden in it and passed it around the room.
Everyone commented on how cute she is and I lapped up the compliments and bragged about her.
I feel so incredibly lame for all the bragging and showing off of her I do, but I can't help it.
She is too dang perfect!!

Two Week Old Photo Shoot

So, The Couple had some pictures taken of Madden when she was two weeks old and I seriously cry everytime I see them.
 I love this littler girl more than my words will ever be able to explain. I'm only going to show one picture, but it's my favorite of her and plus The Couple will probably blog them all eventually. Yeah, that's right Stacy. I know you are reading this!! I still check your blog ALLthe time anxiously awaiting your posts about her. I am patiently awaiting :) I know how I feel throughout this process, and I know how you do too, but Madden needs to know your side of the story too :)

I LOVE YOU!!

Time sure has flown!!!

Tomorrow, Madden will be 8 weeks old. I haven't seen her sfor about 3 weeks now and after recieving a few pictures from Stacy I am pretty much in shock. SHE LOOKS SO INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT. Honestly, she doesn't look like the same baby. She's growing up way too fast for my liking.

So stinking CUTE.

her first smile caught on camera!

Anyways, this last week I spent relaxing up at Lake Powell with my family. It was a lot of fun. I LOVE being at the lake. We invited The Couple to come with us, but this trip was completely last minute, and they couldn't make it sadly. But I still had an amazing time, even though there was a few dust storms, my tent nearly flooded, and then my sister and I nearly died at the motel we stayed at the last two nights.

Seriously, that motel was CREEPY. The decor for our room?
BIRDHOUSES.
You think I'm joking...

BUT I'M NOT.

We got home yesterday afternoon and although I love the lake I was super excited to be home. Mostly because Kyle is back in town!!
I drove out to Kyle’s Grandma’s and picked him up and I must say that it was the BEST REUNION EVER. I got out of the car as he was walking up and he just kinda stopped mid-step, then I ran the rest of the way and picked he me up. I couldn’t breathe at all when I first saw him, it felt like my heart had stopped. I think he stood there holding me for a good 5 minutes. BOY, have I missed this kid.

For those of you who don't know, Kyle is one of my dearest friends and has been there for me throughout my entire pregnancy and the adoption. Every step of the way he was there to let me cry, rant, and just be a crazy hormonal lady. I am so grateful for him. If you're reading this, Kyle (which I know sometimes you do!), you will never know how much you mean to me.

So after our little reunion Kyle came with me to get my tragus re-pierced (which hurt SO much more the second time…what the heck man), and then drove with me to take my good friend Trevor home, then went to the drive-ins with the BFF and I! We saw the Hangover 2 FO’ FREEEEEE. No, we didn’t sneak in. The ATM wasn't working at all so the manager just let us in for free. Awesome? I think yes.

It wasn’t much, or even what we had planned. At all. Haha, but it feels nice to be out and to hang out with Kyle. I don’t get to see him all that often since he lives so far away. It’s nice to have him around. He is so genuine and sweet. I just adore him. But I can’t help but have this part of me that is so guarded and afraid. I feel so ridiculous, but I really can’t be hurt again. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it after everything that has happened these last 10 months…

Driving home after saying goodnight to Kyle “What Hurts The Most” by The Rascal Flatts came on and I nearly started bawling. Thinking about how different my life could have been…it just hurts. I cared about Brandon SO incredibly much, and to be honest I sort of still do. However, I know that he is not right for me and everything he has said and done thus far to me just reassures me how wrong for each other we are. But isn’t that how it goes? That’s why it’s called “falling” in love…I fell so completely hard and then crashed head first into the ground.

I have had some pretty rough heartbreak this past year, and I know that it’s going to take a lot to finally over come these trust issues that have formed. I just hope I’m strong enough to bring down these walls and let myself really love someone and let them love me…