Madden's paperwork was finally going to be finished with the courts.
She was officially and legally The Couples.
I was fine. I was happy.
I went to work and proceeded my day cheerfully.
Around 2 PM I got a picture of The Couple and Madden and The Judge.
It was done.
I had such an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
It was like leaving the hospital all over again.
It was just me. Alone.
I broke down in the middle of my shift at work. I tried to hold myself together but everyone could see something was up (me being the open book that I am) and asked me if I was okay.
The thing is, I'm okay until you ask me if I'm okay. Then I just fall apart.
I just cried and cried and cried.
It's not that I'm sad about the adoption being finalized. I'm really happy for Madden and her parents.
But it still hurts.
I love Madden more than anything else. I know I have stated this many many times but it's the honest truth.
She is my everything.
I love her more than I love myself and I did this adoption for HER and for her alone.
I feel really lame for crying at work, but I really couldn't help it.
Eventually I was able to pull myself together, but I was still aching on the inside and I'm sure everyone knew it.
After I got home from work I just started bawling again.
All I want is to be a mother. That's all I have ever wanted. It hurts so bad to know I wasn't good enough for Madden and that I knew she deserved better.
I tried to talk to my best friend, but she currently is upset with me. So I didn't know what to do at all except to sit and cry and pour my heart out over the internet.
I had so many responses from other birth mothers and mothers.
So much love from ladies I have never even met!
I got some wonderful advice and such words of wisdom and love.
I am so grateful for these people I have who love and support me.
Every single response I got made my heart swell,and here are some that really got to me...
"The most important thing about being a mother is knowing that you don’t matter anymore- it’s about your baby and their needs over your own. You did what you had to to make sure your daughter grew up happy, healthy, surrounded by people who could take care of her. It is an impossible decision, and one that you are incredibly brave to have made. It wasn’t you not being good enough- it was you being brave and strong and an amazing mother."
"You did one of the hardest things a person can ever do. I really respect and admire you for the decision you made. You will always be Madden’s mother. Now she has 3 people in her life who love her beyond anything else. She’s a blessed little girl"
" You’ll be ok love. Today is a happy and sad day. Madden will one day thank you for your loving decision. <3 love you"
"It’s okay to cry all day, hell cry for a week, it will only help. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You’re so strong and courageous. Love you so much, keep your head up darling! It’s not easy being a mom, no matter what path we choose. "
And the one that changed my night...
"...you WERE (and ARE) good enough; she deserves as much love in this world that possibly exists. and THAT'S what you gave her. because now she not only has one family, your family, but she has TWO families!...you get to see her still and develop a relationship with her and she knows you're her mommy. she was inside you for a whole 9 months; she knows your heartbeat, your smell! and when she gets older, she'll really know. and i'm sure she'll be SO grateful to you for the sacrifice you made and love you even more than she already does now. what you did can only inspire HER to try and be just as strong and amazing as you, and she now has TWO awesome mommies to look up to as role models....being a mom means making sacrifices and doing everything in your power to give your child the best life possible, and that's EXACTLY what you did. you are the true definition of a mom if i ever did see one!"
MAN. I have some of the best support out there, I think.
After reflecting a little, I am happy for Madden and her amazing family.
But I still ache for a child of my own and a man who loves me.
Someday, I'll get it.
I have a real problem with patience sometimes...and I'm scared of the future and what may or may not happen for me.
But all I can do is sit here and live my life and hope for the best.
You are loved Hannah and your daughter is loved. if you didn't hurt over this then you wouldn't love. when things mean little to us then they don't hurt, but when they mean everything that is when it hurts. If we love then we will morn the lose of that which we love. I wish i lived close enough to hug you.
ReplyDeleteAll of those responses are right. You ARE such an amazing woman. It must be so hard because you can't explain to her what or why you've had to make the decision you have. When she gets older, she WILL understand. And the two of you will have this amazing, unique bond that will be unlike anything you share with anyone else. As women, we want more than anything to be moms. Thinking of your situation makes me ache for you. I know for a fact that I am not ready to be a mom, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it everyday. Working with kids doesn't help to stifle the thoughts any. Just know you are so strong and one day, when Madden is old enough, she WILL understand what you had to do and admire you and your courage for that.
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