Dating

I feel like dating in itself is a difficult thing. I mean, the awkwardness of blind dates, and then gathering up the courage to actually ask someone out on a date and the pressure of making the date fun and something worth remembering? Or even being asked out! It's just stressful all together. But dating after having a baby, or getting divorced? DUDE. SO MUCH MORE FRIGHTENING AND STRESSFUL.

I mean...there's the worry about being awesome for one. Dating again after such a life-changing experience? You are an entirely different person now compared to who you were before.

For me...dating is really scary.
I mean, the experience I had with my ex (Madden's Birth Father) really tore me up...I know I'm amazing and attractive... but after Brandon my self esteem kinda hit the floor and shattered into a bazillion pieces. I don't see what's so awesome about me anymore. And after having a baby I no longer have the body I was once so proud of and comfortable in. I know this sounds silly and a lot of you are just going to tell me that I am amazing inside and outside and I know you're right...but I still feel so horribly about myself. Any of you know what I mean? It's a very confusing feeling!

Anyways...back to dating.
It's scary in itself...and then once you start dating someone, there's the ever present thought of your past. I mean, how do you bring up "I had a baby girl 4 months ago and placed her with an adoptive couple." or "I am recently divorced."
UHM, not something that can just pop up into regular conversation.
And I don't know about any of you singles out there...but I really don't feel good enough.
Maybe my self-worth is just at an all time low right now because I kind of just got dumped in a way?

I mean, it wasn't serious or officially seeing someone...but I really liked this kid.
I've known him for a while, and have always been attracted to him. Recently we had started talking more frequently and decided we were going to go on dates and stuff. This got me really excited because this was the first guy really showing an interest in really dating and going out with me even though he knew about the adoption and pregnancy. So we talked and talked and hung out and cuddled...but I was still open to seeing other people and I did make plans for a few other dates but I knew that deep down I didn't want to see anyone else...but for the last week I felt he was being really distant and I told myself "Don't talk to him! You know he's no longer interested. Just stop before you get hurt!!" But of course...I was already attached and when he finally said "I don't want to pursue this" I got my heart broken. Again.

Now, Pre-Baby Daddy this wouldn't have bothered me. Much. But now I am just sitting here, wondering why...am I not good enough? Is there something wrong with me?

This is why I don't want to date. Getting hurt.
And being left.

Being left is the worst thing I have every felt. No matter what I do, being left is always going to bring back those feelings of when Brandon left me when I was pregnant. I was pregnant, scared, and so alone.
I spent days just laying on the couch, being numb to the pain. I didn't cry at all. Except for the first night when Brandon left me. I bawled my eyes out then. But after that? I just felt numb and didn't think about it.

Now that I have been left again (even though it's a COMPLETELY different situation and not technically "leaving") I feel all those feelings of when Brandon left again. It's almost like I'm reliving the experience and it hurts so bad...

I don't know how I am ever going to get past this...all I know is that I will. It will take time, but I am stronger than this and I will have someone some day who won't leave me.

Until then...I guess I just have to keep putting myself out there. However, it's going to be quite difficult.