Voices of Christmas

Yesterday, I performed in a Christmas choir. We had been practicing since October, and it was so fun to finally perform for an audience. Two nicely sized audiences. From the feedback I’ve been getting we sounded spectacular. It’s so wonderful to know that all the time and effort we put into it paid off.
At the second showing my family and boyfriend all showed up. It was neat to look out into the crowd and see my mister smiling up at me.

However, the smile of the night goes to little Miss Madden Rae who made an appearance with her parents.
I saw them sitting in the crowd and nearly started crying multiple times while on stage. I had to force myself to look away.

Madden got a little bit fussy, and her dad was standing with her in the isle right next to where Jeremy was sitting. He said afterwords that they looked familiar and he kept looking at them too.

After the show I rushed into the crowd to look for them. I had a few other girls who knew Madden was there rush with me too. They wanted to see her. I stood on benches to see over the crowd and look for them haha.

Finally I found them and just ran over and hugged Stacy. Madden was asleep in her fathers arms.
I reached out to hold her and she woke up a little and started to whine the saddest little cry I’ve ever heard. I started crying with her. All my girl friends just fawned over her cry and I felt a soft touch on my back. It was Jeremy and he was smiling at me and kissed my forhead.

I didn’t know if I was ready for him to meet Madden yet, but I know he understands how much she means to me. Justin and Stacy seemed to like him too.

Eventually Madden woke up and was happily cooing and kicking her little legs everywhere. I had her turned around so she could see everything but I could tell she was smiling. It was really hard to not cry more.

After we said our goodbye’s, Jeremy and I headed for his car and he put his jacket around my shoulders and held me close as I started to cry again. Saying goodbye is always the worst part for me.

Can I just say that I have one amazing man in my life? He puts up with me and my crying, treats me like a queen, and keeps a permanent grin on my face. I am happy. But it still feels like a part of me is missing once I’m sitting in bed alone again.

So, I met with Brandon Today

Yeah...With Madden's Birth Father.
My ex.
Brandon.

So, as you may know, I haven’t seen or talked to Madden’s birth father since April. Today, we finally met up and talked about the adoption and what happened.

And it went really well.

We socialized and caught up on what was going on in our lives.
And talked about Madden and the adoption.
Only once did he bring up the “Well we could have done it” and “Why didn’t you just place her with me” stuff, but I stayed strong and told him why I chose adoption.

It was right for her. I didn’t want the nightmare that he went through with his son’s custody battle for her. Brandon and I weren’t going to work at that time.

It makes us both ache. But Brandon agrees that I did the right thing for her! Hearing him say that and that he’s proud of me makes my heart soar.

We looked through her pictures on my phone for a while, and just held hands. It was really hard. I could feel his heartache. I couldn’t look at him for a while…because he was tearing up. I just held him close and it was a really touching moment for the both of us.
 

He means a lot to me. I feel like the adoption has brought us closer together. We understand each others pain.

We will see what happens between us.
We are planning on him meeting Madden's Parents some time soon.
I’m excited and nervous. I know he is too.

National Adoption Day

I woke up this morning, and felt really good about everything.

Madden's paperwork was finally going to be finished with the courts.
She was officially and legally The Couples.
I was fine. I was happy.
I went to work and proceeded my day cheerfully.
Around 2 PM I got a picture of The Couple and Madden and The Judge.

It was done.

I had such an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
It was like leaving the hospital all over again.
It was just me. Alone.

I broke down in the middle of my shift at work. I tried to hold myself together but everyone could see something was up (me being the open book that I am) and asked me if I was okay.
The thing is, I'm okay until you ask me if I'm okay. Then I just fall apart.
I just cried and cried and cried.
It's not that I'm sad about the adoption being finalized. I'm really happy for Madden and her parents.
But it still hurts.
I love Madden more than anything else. I know I have stated this many many times but it's the honest truth.
She is my everything.
I love her more than I love myself and I did this adoption for HER and for her alone.

I feel really lame for crying at work, but I really couldn't help it.
Eventually I was able to pull myself together, but I was still aching on the inside and I'm sure everyone knew it.

After I got home from work I just started bawling again.
All I want is to be a mother. That's all I have ever wanted. It hurts so bad to know I wasn't good enough for Madden and that I knew she deserved better.
I tried to talk to my best friend, but she currently is upset with me. So I didn't know what to do at all except to sit and cry and pour my heart out over the internet.

I had so many responses from other birth mothers and mothers.
So much love from ladies I have never even met!
I got some wonderful advice and such words of wisdom and love.
I am so grateful for these people I have who love and support me.

Every single response I got made my heart swell,and here are some that really got to me...

"The most important thing about being a mother is knowing that you don’t matter anymore- it’s about your baby and their needs over your own. You did what you had to to make sure your daughter grew up happy, healthy, surrounded by people who could take care of her. It is an impossible decision, and one that you are incredibly brave to have made. It wasn’t you not being good enough- it was you being brave and strong and an amazing mother."

"You did one of the hardest things a person can ever do. I really respect and admire you for the decision you made. You will always be Madden’s mother. Now she has 3 people in her life who love her beyond anything else. She’s a blessed little girl"

" You’ll be ok love. Today is a happy and sad day. Madden will one day thank you for your loving decision. <3 love you"

"It’s okay to cry all day, hell cry for a week, it will only help. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You’re so strong and courageous. Love you so much, keep your head up darling! It’s not easy being a mom, no matter what path we choose. "

And the one that changed my night...
"...you WERE (and ARE) good enough; she deserves as much love in this world that possibly exists. and THAT'S what you gave her. because now she not only has one family, your family, but she has TWO families!...you get to see her still and develop a relationship with her and she knows you're her mommy. she was inside you for a whole 9 months; she knows your heartbeat, your smell! and when she gets older, she'll really know. and i'm sure she'll be SO grateful to you for the sacrifice you made and love you even more than she already does now. what you did can only inspire HER to try and be just as strong and amazing as you, and she now has TWO awesome mommies to look up to as role models....being a mom means making sacrifices and doing everything in your power to give your child the best life possible, and that's EXACTLY what you did. you are the true definition of a mom if i ever did see one!"


MAN. I have some of the best support out there, I think.

After reflecting a little, I am happy for Madden and her amazing family.
But I still ache for a child of my own and a man who loves me.
Someday, I'll get it.
I have a real problem with patience sometimes...and I'm scared of the future and what may or may not happen for me.

But all I can do is sit here and live my life and hope for the best.