Missing Her

So I have been REALLY busy for the month of October. I've been working two jobs and going to school full time. You coud say I'm a little spread thin. Thank goodness it's almost over. However, I have been so busy that I haven't had time to talk to or see The Couple and Madden. It really stinks. But I have been so busy that I haven't even really thought about it. I mean, I think about them all the time, but not too in depth because I don't have time for that, ya know?

But this morning I got a text from Madden's mother just saying hello and that they miss me and hope to see me soon.
Attached was a picture of Madden eating her little baby cereal.
All I could think of was how big she was getting and how stinking adorable she is.
The rest of my day was spent working both jobs and showing off that picture. What can I say? I'm proud of that cute little chunkster!

However, now that I am home and in bed by myself I can't help but think about how much I absolutely miss her. I haven't seen my favorite little family in so long and it just hurts. It feels like there is a hole in my heart.

Hopefully I see them soon.

Dating

I feel like dating in itself is a difficult thing. I mean, the awkwardness of blind dates, and then gathering up the courage to actually ask someone out on a date and the pressure of making the date fun and something worth remembering? Or even being asked out! It's just stressful all together. But dating after having a baby, or getting divorced? DUDE. SO MUCH MORE FRIGHTENING AND STRESSFUL.

I mean...there's the worry about being awesome for one. Dating again after such a life-changing experience? You are an entirely different person now compared to who you were before.

For me...dating is really scary.
I mean, the experience I had with my ex (Madden's Birth Father) really tore me up...I know I'm amazing and attractive... but after Brandon my self esteem kinda hit the floor and shattered into a bazillion pieces. I don't see what's so awesome about me anymore. And after having a baby I no longer have the body I was once so proud of and comfortable in. I know this sounds silly and a lot of you are just going to tell me that I am amazing inside and outside and I know you're right...but I still feel so horribly about myself. Any of you know what I mean? It's a very confusing feeling!

Anyways...back to dating.
It's scary in itself...and then once you start dating someone, there's the ever present thought of your past. I mean, how do you bring up "I had a baby girl 4 months ago and placed her with an adoptive couple." or "I am recently divorced."
UHM, not something that can just pop up into regular conversation.
And I don't know about any of you singles out there...but I really don't feel good enough.
Maybe my self-worth is just at an all time low right now because I kind of just got dumped in a way?

I mean, it wasn't serious or officially seeing someone...but I really liked this kid.
I've known him for a while, and have always been attracted to him. Recently we had started talking more frequently and decided we were going to go on dates and stuff. This got me really excited because this was the first guy really showing an interest in really dating and going out with me even though he knew about the adoption and pregnancy. So we talked and talked and hung out and cuddled...but I was still open to seeing other people and I did make plans for a few other dates but I knew that deep down I didn't want to see anyone else...but for the last week I felt he was being really distant and I told myself "Don't talk to him! You know he's no longer interested. Just stop before you get hurt!!" But of course...I was already attached and when he finally said "I don't want to pursue this" I got my heart broken. Again.

Now, Pre-Baby Daddy this wouldn't have bothered me. Much. But now I am just sitting here, wondering why...am I not good enough? Is there something wrong with me?

This is why I don't want to date. Getting hurt.
And being left.

Being left is the worst thing I have every felt. No matter what I do, being left is always going to bring back those feelings of when Brandon left me when I was pregnant. I was pregnant, scared, and so alone.
I spent days just laying on the couch, being numb to the pain. I didn't cry at all. Except for the first night when Brandon left me. I bawled my eyes out then. But after that? I just felt numb and didn't think about it.

Now that I have been left again (even though it's a COMPLETELY different situation and not technically "leaving") I feel all those feelings of when Brandon left again. It's almost like I'm reliving the experience and it hurts so bad...

I don't know how I am ever going to get past this...all I know is that I will. It will take time, but I am stronger than this and I will have someone some day who won't leave me.

Until then...I guess I just have to keep putting myself out there. However, it's going to be quite difficult.

What is "Family"?

Lately I've been wondering what a family is.
Here are a few definitions according to Merriam-Webster:

Definition of FAMILY

a: a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : household 

 

b: a group of persons of common ancestry : clan b : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : race

c: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family b : spouse and children 

 

Another thing I have heard relating to family is that

"Blood is thicker than water." 

 

I'm sorry, but I don't completely agree with these statements. 

Just because you are blood related doesn't mean you aren't family. When you get married you become a "family", right? Your spouse isn't blood related to you. (No judgements if they are. ;) haha) But because of love, trust, respect and a bunch of other things they become family and you would do anything for them.

 

As for "Blood is thicker than water"? I call bull crap. What about adopted kids? Do they not have any family because they are adopted by someone who isn't blood? I believe that adopted kids like Madden have some of the most real and loving family out there.

 

Personally, I refuse to call anyone family who doesn't act like it. I feel that family is based upon love and respect. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm rude to those I am blood related to and don't consider family. In fact, I do my best to be as nice and polite as possible. But I don't consider them family. I'm actually not "friends" on FaceBook with some of my aunts. uncles, and even a sibling because I don't consider them family. Harsh, I know. But if I am treated poorly by someone I am not going to just lay down and take it. I deserve better than that. If you are constantly rude, condescending and say/do things to hurt me? Yeah, it's safe to say that I don't consider you family.

 

Now that I have sort of given you my definition of family, I want to hear yours.

Comment and tell me what "family" is to you! 

Just Another Tough Day..

The past few days have been really difficult.

I'm very stressed about money and school. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't even leave my bed without having a mini-breakdown. Tonight I was supposed to go to a Birthmother Pamper Night at LDS Social Services with The Couple and Madden but I couldn't bring myself to go. I just feel so uncomfortable being there...It brings back way to many painful memories and I just can't do it. I feel so weak and stupid. I feel even worse for cancelling on The Couple. it just hurts too much to even think about being there with all those other birthmom's....But the one thing that has come back this week is the hurt of not having Madden in my arms.
I miss her so much. I feel like I can't even function. I just want to curl up in a ball and not feel anything. I just want to shut the door, turn off the lights and disappear.

This is the most I have cried since I came home that first day without Madden. Although I know I did the right thing for Madden by placing her I can't help but hate myself and just hurt and cry. I still feel so alone and unloved even though I know I have tons of people who care about me. I know that healing takes time but I just hurt so badly. My heart aches daily for Madden. I wanted her so badly...I wish that things were different and it hurts me to know that I am not Madden's mother. I don't even know where to go from here. All I want is to not hurt anymore.

I just received a package in the mail today from Blessings in a Basket, which is a group of wonderful people who send these beautiful baskets out to birthmothers. It has a bunch of things in it like a journal, picture frame, and a necklace with the date the baby was born on along with a few other hand made items from etsy shops and such that were donated.

I saw this package and started bawling. I don't understand how I can feel so alone and yet have all these people I don't even know send me words of encouragement and love.

It's been 11 weeks since Madden was born and these feelings are all still so raw. I know it takes time to heal but all I feel like I can do is sit here and cry.
I just don't know what to do right now.

I need to vent.

Okay I am just way too stressed out right now. School is seriously so overwhelming. I've never had this much homework and studying before. Ever. I seriously do not know how to manage it. Then on top of the homework I have to worry about paying for school. Usually it's not a big deal because I get grants and stuff but this year I couldn't file for help from FAFSA at all. So I'm paying out of my savings account and I'm down to my last $100 and I'm on a payment plan for school where I pay a part of the money I owe for school at the beginning of every month....My parents said they would pay the tuition and then I'd only have to pay for books so I wasn't stressed at all in the beginning. But now my parents can't pay this payment and I'm freaking out. I would have been fine to pay it all on my own but I used so much money on books this semester that now I can't afford it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm seriously so stressed out. I'm cancelling basically every fun thing I had planned this week just to make sure I get my homework done so I can drive my sister up to Snowflake this weekend. For example I was supposed to go to Birthmother Pamper Night with Stacy tomorrow night and now I'm just so overwhelmed and freaking out about school and my lack of money that I just texted her and told her that I can't go anymore. I mean, I was kinda iffy about it in the first place but I was so excited to just hang out with Stacy. Now I can't even imagine leaving the house for fear of falling behind in my classes or having a melt down and just crying in public. And I feel like crap for cancelling on her. I need to get a freaking job but I don't have any time and I doubt I could even balance school AND work. I don't know what to do anymore. Oh, and to top it all off all this stress is just making me miss Madden and feel crappy about everything. Great. Thanks life. Stupid money and stupid school...

This Is For Madden

Sorry it's taken me so long to post. SO much has been going on since school started and I am super busy with classes. Homework and studying takes up a majority of my time now. It's horrible, but I am so ready to apply for graduation and get my associates so I can move to Washington! It's almost official that I will be moving up to Lacey, Washington to live with my aunt and her two daughters in January. I'll help my aunt out in any way that I can while also finding a job and saving like crazy so I can move out and apply for the Dental Hygiene program in December at Eastern Washington University!! It's crazy competitive up there since that's the only Bachelors Degree in the entire state...but I guess that since I'll be up there for a year before I can apply anyways that I can decide if I really want to go to school up there or come back down here to NAU. Only time will tell!

(Warning, don't read anymore unless you feel like a good cry...I'm warning you! I won't be offended if you just stop reading now. :) )

I still see Madden quite a bit. In fact I've seen her just about every week since we got back from Lake Powell. I'm so lucky that Madden and her parents live so close and that I can call them whenever and I can see them! I'm probably such a burden and annoying...I feel bad. If I could see her every day I probably would, but I try to separate Madden from my daily routine because I know that she needs to have that separation with me and her parents too. I don't want her growing up all confused, haha. Luckily for me school and other matters often fill my day.I would say that every thing reminds me of Madden, but that's not true since Madden never leaves my thoughts. She is always on my mind and I am always thinking about her and how much I love her. Hopefully some day she will be able to read this and know how much she REALLY means to me.

(Well, I warned you..I bawlled my eyes out while writing this. Better grab the tissue box now.)

I know I say this a lot, but words never will be able to describe how much I love you, Madden Rae. You really are my everything and I had no idea I could feel this strongly about anything. Nothing compares to my love for you, and I doubt anything will. When you have your first child and hold them for the first time...that's when you'll finally understand how much I love you my dear sweet girl. No one will ever take your place in my heart. I can't go a single moment without thinking about you. Sometimes I have to fight back tears in the middle of class because I am so overcome with love for you. I bet people think I'm crazy when they see me wiping away tears in the middle of a lecture about human anatomy. I am finding it more and more difficult to be able to express myself when it comes to you. I am very open with every one and when someone asks me about you, I tell them all they want to know. I try to hold back the tears, and for the most part I am really good at it. But every so often a tear will sneak in there and then the person I'm talking to will feel so bad and start to apologize, but I tell them to not worry about because they aren't tears of sadness. They are tears of happiness, joy and love. Yes, I am sad that I am not your mom and that I don't get to see you everyday. But I know I gave you the most wonderful family that anyone could ever ask for. I love your parents almost as much as I love you. They mean so much to me. I hope you never give them any trouble and that you understand how lucky you are to have them, little Madden. I am truly blessed to know those two amazing people that you call Mom and Dad. They make me want to be a better person, and you make me love life more than ever before. There are times when I just sit and cry, but again you need to remember that they aren't tears of pain. Well, sometimes they are...but not usually! I don't want you (or your dear sweet mom and possibly your dad who is reading this too) to ever remember me as a sad, always crying person.  I want you to remember me as someone who loves you more than her own life. That is why I placed you with Justin and Stacy. Because I love you and knew that you deserved more than what I had to offer. Another birthmother that I adore posted this the other day and I feel like it is completely accurate in describing why I placed you..

"A birthmother places the needs of her child, above the wants of her heart."

Madden, I wanted you more than I have ever wanted anything. I was so ready to be a mom and raise you, even if it meant raising you on my own. I would have done it. I wanted to do it. But when I finally forced myself to stop thinking about just me and myself I realized that I was being selfish. You deserved a stable home and a family. You needed  a mom and a dad that were together and that were in love. You needed Justin and Stacy, and they needed you. I can only hope that you will love me back and not hate me for what I chose for you...my biggest fear is that you won't want me around when you are older. My other fear is that your parents and I lose touch or that this adoption becomes closed...I'm so frightened of losing this bond I have with your parents and losing you. I'm shaking as I write this because I can't even bear the thought of losing you. I love you, Madden, and the only other people who love you like I do are your parents. You are lucky to have them, even though it hurts me to think that I wasn't good enough. I hope that we always remain close and that we never lose contact.

I love you forever, my Madden Rae.

Father's Day 2011; 4 days old

I woke up excited and nervous.
I was invited over to spend some time with Madden and her Parents.
I wanted to go so badly, but I also didn't want to be interuptting their first official day as a family.
Plus it was Father's Day!!!
But eventually I gathered up the courage and drove over to The Couple's house.

I got to hang out with Stacy and Madden for a while since Justin was at church.
I taught Stacy how to give Madden a bath :)
It was great fun to just spend time and talk with Stacy.
She has become such a good friend of mine and I adore her.

Justin came home and it was so neat to be able to see this new little family together.

The only difficult part was thinking about how different this day could have been if Brandon had filed those papers...
But I tried not to dwell on that too much.

Leaving was a little bit hard, but knowing that Madden was never too far away and helped and I was able to go home with a plate of yummy cookies made by Stacy and zero tears.

Later that evening I went with my family to visit Grandma Rose who is in a rehab center.
She fell and broke her pelvis a few weeks before Madden was born.
I took the picture book that The Couple had given me that has pictures of Madden in it and passed it around the room.
Everyone commented on how cute she is and I lapped up the compliments and bragged about her.
I feel so incredibly lame for all the bragging and showing off of her I do, but I can't help it.
She is too dang perfect!!