Dating

I feel like dating in itself is a difficult thing. I mean, the awkwardness of blind dates, and then gathering up the courage to actually ask someone out on a date and the pressure of making the date fun and something worth remembering? Or even being asked out! It's just stressful all together. But dating after having a baby, or getting divorced? DUDE. SO MUCH MORE FRIGHTENING AND STRESSFUL.

I mean...there's the worry about being awesome for one. Dating again after such a life-changing experience? You are an entirely different person now compared to who you were before.

For me...dating is really scary.
I mean, the experience I had with my ex (Madden's Birth Father) really tore me up...I know I'm amazing and attractive... but after Brandon my self esteem kinda hit the floor and shattered into a bazillion pieces. I don't see what's so awesome about me anymore. And after having a baby I no longer have the body I was once so proud of and comfortable in. I know this sounds silly and a lot of you are just going to tell me that I am amazing inside and outside and I know you're right...but I still feel so horribly about myself. Any of you know what I mean? It's a very confusing feeling!

Anyways...back to dating.
It's scary in itself...and then once you start dating someone, there's the ever present thought of your past. I mean, how do you bring up "I had a baby girl 4 months ago and placed her with an adoptive couple." or "I am recently divorced."
UHM, not something that can just pop up into regular conversation.
And I don't know about any of you singles out there...but I really don't feel good enough.
Maybe my self-worth is just at an all time low right now because I kind of just got dumped in a way?

I mean, it wasn't serious or officially seeing someone...but I really liked this kid.
I've known him for a while, and have always been attracted to him. Recently we had started talking more frequently and decided we were going to go on dates and stuff. This got me really excited because this was the first guy really showing an interest in really dating and going out with me even though he knew about the adoption and pregnancy. So we talked and talked and hung out and cuddled...but I was still open to seeing other people and I did make plans for a few other dates but I knew that deep down I didn't want to see anyone else...but for the last week I felt he was being really distant and I told myself "Don't talk to him! You know he's no longer interested. Just stop before you get hurt!!" But of course...I was already attached and when he finally said "I don't want to pursue this" I got my heart broken. Again.

Now, Pre-Baby Daddy this wouldn't have bothered me. Much. But now I am just sitting here, wondering why...am I not good enough? Is there something wrong with me?

This is why I don't want to date. Getting hurt.
And being left.

Being left is the worst thing I have every felt. No matter what I do, being left is always going to bring back those feelings of when Brandon left me when I was pregnant. I was pregnant, scared, and so alone.
I spent days just laying on the couch, being numb to the pain. I didn't cry at all. Except for the first night when Brandon left me. I bawled my eyes out then. But after that? I just felt numb and didn't think about it.

Now that I have been left again (even though it's a COMPLETELY different situation and not technically "leaving") I feel all those feelings of when Brandon left again. It's almost like I'm reliving the experience and it hurts so bad...

I don't know how I am ever going to get past this...all I know is that I will. It will take time, but I am stronger than this and I will have someone some day who won't leave me.

Until then...I guess I just have to keep putting myself out there. However, it's going to be quite difficult.

Just Another Tough Day..

The past few days have been really difficult.

I'm very stressed about money and school. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't even leave my bed without having a mini-breakdown. Tonight I was supposed to go to a Birthmother Pamper Night at LDS Social Services with The Couple and Madden but I couldn't bring myself to go. I just feel so uncomfortable being there...It brings back way to many painful memories and I just can't do it. I feel so weak and stupid. I feel even worse for cancelling on The Couple. it just hurts too much to even think about being there with all those other birthmom's....But the one thing that has come back this week is the hurt of not having Madden in my arms.
I miss her so much. I feel like I can't even function. I just want to curl up in a ball and not feel anything. I just want to shut the door, turn off the lights and disappear.

This is the most I have cried since I came home that first day without Madden. Although I know I did the right thing for Madden by placing her I can't help but hate myself and just hurt and cry. I still feel so alone and unloved even though I know I have tons of people who care about me. I know that healing takes time but I just hurt so badly. My heart aches daily for Madden. I wanted her so badly...I wish that things were different and it hurts me to know that I am not Madden's mother. I don't even know where to go from here. All I want is to not hurt anymore.

I just received a package in the mail today from Blessings in a Basket, which is a group of wonderful people who send these beautiful baskets out to birthmothers. It has a bunch of things in it like a journal, picture frame, and a necklace with the date the baby was born on along with a few other hand made items from etsy shops and such that were donated.

I saw this package and started bawling. I don't understand how I can feel so alone and yet have all these people I don't even know send me words of encouragement and love.

It's been 11 weeks since Madden was born and these feelings are all still so raw. I know it takes time to heal but all I feel like I can do is sit here and cry.
I just don't know what to do right now.

I need to vent.

Okay I am just way too stressed out right now. School is seriously so overwhelming. I've never had this much homework and studying before. Ever. I seriously do not know how to manage it. Then on top of the homework I have to worry about paying for school. Usually it's not a big deal because I get grants and stuff but this year I couldn't file for help from FAFSA at all. So I'm paying out of my savings account and I'm down to my last $100 and I'm on a payment plan for school where I pay a part of the money I owe for school at the beginning of every month....My parents said they would pay the tuition and then I'd only have to pay for books so I wasn't stressed at all in the beginning. But now my parents can't pay this payment and I'm freaking out. I would have been fine to pay it all on my own but I used so much money on books this semester that now I can't afford it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm seriously so stressed out. I'm cancelling basically every fun thing I had planned this week just to make sure I get my homework done so I can drive my sister up to Snowflake this weekend. For example I was supposed to go to Birthmother Pamper Night with Stacy tomorrow night and now I'm just so overwhelmed and freaking out about school and my lack of money that I just texted her and told her that I can't go anymore. I mean, I was kinda iffy about it in the first place but I was so excited to just hang out with Stacy. Now I can't even imagine leaving the house for fear of falling behind in my classes or having a melt down and just crying in public. And I feel like crap for cancelling on her. I need to get a freaking job but I don't have any time and I doubt I could even balance school AND work. I don't know what to do anymore. Oh, and to top it all off all this stress is just making me miss Madden and feel crappy about everything. Great. Thanks life. Stupid money and stupid school...

This Is For Madden

Sorry it's taken me so long to post. SO much has been going on since school started and I am super busy with classes. Homework and studying takes up a majority of my time now. It's horrible, but I am so ready to apply for graduation and get my associates so I can move to Washington! It's almost official that I will be moving up to Lacey, Washington to live with my aunt and her two daughters in January. I'll help my aunt out in any way that I can while also finding a job and saving like crazy so I can move out and apply for the Dental Hygiene program in December at Eastern Washington University!! It's crazy competitive up there since that's the only Bachelors Degree in the entire state...but I guess that since I'll be up there for a year before I can apply anyways that I can decide if I really want to go to school up there or come back down here to NAU. Only time will tell!

(Warning, don't read anymore unless you feel like a good cry...I'm warning you! I won't be offended if you just stop reading now. :) )

I still see Madden quite a bit. In fact I've seen her just about every week since we got back from Lake Powell. I'm so lucky that Madden and her parents live so close and that I can call them whenever and I can see them! I'm probably such a burden and annoying...I feel bad. If I could see her every day I probably would, but I try to separate Madden from my daily routine because I know that she needs to have that separation with me and her parents too. I don't want her growing up all confused, haha. Luckily for me school and other matters often fill my day.I would say that every thing reminds me of Madden, but that's not true since Madden never leaves my thoughts. She is always on my mind and I am always thinking about her and how much I love her. Hopefully some day she will be able to read this and know how much she REALLY means to me.

(Well, I warned you..I bawlled my eyes out while writing this. Better grab the tissue box now.)

I know I say this a lot, but words never will be able to describe how much I love you, Madden Rae. You really are my everything and I had no idea I could feel this strongly about anything. Nothing compares to my love for you, and I doubt anything will. When you have your first child and hold them for the first time...that's when you'll finally understand how much I love you my dear sweet girl. No one will ever take your place in my heart. I can't go a single moment without thinking about you. Sometimes I have to fight back tears in the middle of class because I am so overcome with love for you. I bet people think I'm crazy when they see me wiping away tears in the middle of a lecture about human anatomy. I am finding it more and more difficult to be able to express myself when it comes to you. I am very open with every one and when someone asks me about you, I tell them all they want to know. I try to hold back the tears, and for the most part I am really good at it. But every so often a tear will sneak in there and then the person I'm talking to will feel so bad and start to apologize, but I tell them to not worry about because they aren't tears of sadness. They are tears of happiness, joy and love. Yes, I am sad that I am not your mom and that I don't get to see you everyday. But I know I gave you the most wonderful family that anyone could ever ask for. I love your parents almost as much as I love you. They mean so much to me. I hope you never give them any trouble and that you understand how lucky you are to have them, little Madden. I am truly blessed to know those two amazing people that you call Mom and Dad. They make me want to be a better person, and you make me love life more than ever before. There are times when I just sit and cry, but again you need to remember that they aren't tears of pain. Well, sometimes they are...but not usually! I don't want you (or your dear sweet mom and possibly your dad who is reading this too) to ever remember me as a sad, always crying person.  I want you to remember me as someone who loves you more than her own life. That is why I placed you with Justin and Stacy. Because I love you and knew that you deserved more than what I had to offer. Another birthmother that I adore posted this the other day and I feel like it is completely accurate in describing why I placed you..

"A birthmother places the needs of her child, above the wants of her heart."

Madden, I wanted you more than I have ever wanted anything. I was so ready to be a mom and raise you, even if it meant raising you on my own. I would have done it. I wanted to do it. But when I finally forced myself to stop thinking about just me and myself I realized that I was being selfish. You deserved a stable home and a family. You needed  a mom and a dad that were together and that were in love. You needed Justin and Stacy, and they needed you. I can only hope that you will love me back and not hate me for what I chose for you...my biggest fear is that you won't want me around when you are older. My other fear is that your parents and I lose touch or that this adoption becomes closed...I'm so frightened of losing this bond I have with your parents and losing you. I'm shaking as I write this because I can't even bear the thought of losing you. I love you, Madden, and the only other people who love you like I do are your parents. You are lucky to have them, even though it hurts me to think that I wasn't good enough. I hope that we always remain close and that we never lose contact.

I love you forever, my Madden Rae.

Father's Day 2011; 4 days old

I woke up excited and nervous.
I was invited over to spend some time with Madden and her Parents.
I wanted to go so badly, but I also didn't want to be interuptting their first official day as a family.
Plus it was Father's Day!!!
But eventually I gathered up the courage and drove over to The Couple's house.

I got to hang out with Stacy and Madden for a while since Justin was at church.
I taught Stacy how to give Madden a bath :)
It was great fun to just spend time and talk with Stacy.
She has become such a good friend of mine and I adore her.

Justin came home and it was so neat to be able to see this new little family together.

The only difficult part was thinking about how different this day could have been if Brandon had filed those papers...
But I tried not to dwell on that too much.

Leaving was a little bit hard, but knowing that Madden was never too far away and helped and I was able to go home with a plate of yummy cookies made by Stacy and zero tears.

Later that evening I went with my family to visit Grandma Rose who is in a rehab center.
She fell and broke her pelvis a few weeks before Madden was born.
I took the picture book that The Couple had given me that has pictures of Madden in it and passed it around the room.
Everyone commented on how cute she is and I lapped up the compliments and bragged about her.
I feel so incredibly lame for all the bragging and showing off of her I do, but I can't help it.
She is too dang perfect!!

Time sure has flown!!!

Tomorrow, Madden will be 8 weeks old. I haven't seen her sfor about 3 weeks now and after recieving a few pictures from Stacy I am pretty much in shock. SHE LOOKS SO INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT. Honestly, she doesn't look like the same baby. She's growing up way too fast for my liking.

So stinking CUTE.

her first smile caught on camera!

Anyways, this last week I spent relaxing up at Lake Powell with my family. It was a lot of fun. I LOVE being at the lake. We invited The Couple to come with us, but this trip was completely last minute, and they couldn't make it sadly. But I still had an amazing time, even though there was a few dust storms, my tent nearly flooded, and then my sister and I nearly died at the motel we stayed at the last two nights.

Seriously, that motel was CREEPY. The decor for our room?
BIRDHOUSES.
You think I'm joking...

BUT I'M NOT.

We got home yesterday afternoon and although I love the lake I was super excited to be home. Mostly because Kyle is back in town!!
I drove out to Kyle’s Grandma’s and picked him up and I must say that it was the BEST REUNION EVER. I got out of the car as he was walking up and he just kinda stopped mid-step, then I ran the rest of the way and picked he me up. I couldn’t breathe at all when I first saw him, it felt like my heart had stopped. I think he stood there holding me for a good 5 minutes. BOY, have I missed this kid.

For those of you who don't know, Kyle is one of my dearest friends and has been there for me throughout my entire pregnancy and the adoption. Every step of the way he was there to let me cry, rant, and just be a crazy hormonal lady. I am so grateful for him. If you're reading this, Kyle (which I know sometimes you do!), you will never know how much you mean to me.

So after our little reunion Kyle came with me to get my tragus re-pierced (which hurt SO much more the second time…what the heck man), and then drove with me to take my good friend Trevor home, then went to the drive-ins with the BFF and I! We saw the Hangover 2 FO’ FREEEEEE. No, we didn’t sneak in. The ATM wasn't working at all so the manager just let us in for free. Awesome? I think yes.

It wasn’t much, or even what we had planned. At all. Haha, but it feels nice to be out and to hang out with Kyle. I don’t get to see him all that often since he lives so far away. It’s nice to have him around. He is so genuine and sweet. I just adore him. But I can’t help but have this part of me that is so guarded and afraid. I feel so ridiculous, but I really can’t be hurt again. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it after everything that has happened these last 10 months…

Driving home after saying goodnight to Kyle “What Hurts The Most” by The Rascal Flatts came on and I nearly started bawling. Thinking about how different my life could have been…it just hurts. I cared about Brandon SO incredibly much, and to be honest I sort of still do. However, I know that he is not right for me and everything he has said and done thus far to me just reassures me how wrong for each other we are. But isn’t that how it goes? That’s why it’s called “falling” in love…I fell so completely hard and then crashed head first into the ground.

I have had some pretty rough heartbreak this past year, and I know that it’s going to take a lot to finally over come these trust issues that have formed. I just hope I’m strong enough to bring down these walls and let myself really love someone and let them love me…

One small comment can ruin your day..

So I know that people sometimes can say things and it can be taken the wrong way. I get it. But it still doesn't change that those small comments can hurt...
Like today for instance...
I have had a GREAT week with my cousins from Utah. We've played games, gone to the lake, and today we went to the river. I have been in SUCH a good mood!

Of course, all good things must come to an end. I got on my phone and started looking at the pictures of Madden that The Couple had posted on their Face Book and two of the comments that people had left on the pictures just really hit me hard..

"Wow! She looks just like Stacy!"
and
"She is so lucky to have Stacy as a mom!"

Now don't get me wrong. I am very thankful for Justin and Stacy to be her parents and I know they are wonderful parents...but that comment still hurt. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough to ever be her mom. The worst part is that I know that comment wasn't meant in that way at all and it still hurts!!

And as for the looking like her mom comment...I don't know why that hurt me too. I mean, maybe it's just that she looks SO much like me and everyone who has seen me with Madden says how we look exactly the same. I don't know...it just hurts. A lot.

And even though I know those comments shouldn't offend me they still do and I just can't help but ache and cry.

Journaling

Let my just start this by saying that this is not a freaking sympathy post. I'm not looking for any type of sympathy here. At all. I'm just writing out my feelings, because it's the only way I know how to express myself anymore. I'm not good at writing things down in a bound book, but for some reason writing what I'm going down through on this blog makes me feel better. Maybe it's because I feel like posting my experience on the Internet just makes me feel like I am helping others. Maybe some day someone will stumble accross this blog and something I wrote will help them in their lives. Perhaps I just write on the Internet so that I feel "heard"...I don't know.

For me, journaling is how I coup with all these extra emotions. I have never been the type of person to let my emotions run rapid, but it's always easy to see how I'm feeling. I try to lock it all it because I hate feeling so vulnerable. I hate that you can take one single look at me, and know exactly how I'm feeling. Especially as of late. I don't want anoyone else to ever feel the things I am feeling now, and when someone tries to sympathsize it just hurts me even more. I don't want anyone else to hurt, especially on my account. That's why I try to keep these emotions under wraps, even if it means that I am going to hurt more. I'd rather hurt myself and feel alone than anyone else hurt.

Everyone knows that placing your child with an adoptive couple is a difficult thing. That is a given. I knew that these emotions were going to be tougher to handle and stronger than anything I'd ever experienced before. I knew it would be heartbreaking to see my little girl grow up in someone else's arms. But just because I knew these things doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I’m sick of people asking if I’m okay. Obviously I’m going to tell you I’m fine just so you will leave me alone. I don’t want to be told how strong I am or that you are proud of me. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to be hugged. I understand you love me and just want me to be happy and that you worry about me. I get it. I can handle the emotional overload that I feel on a constant level, but I can't handle the emotions of other people too.

I have my days where I hate how things turned out and I wish they were different. Doesn’t mean a thing because I would never change what happened. I’d rather just sit here in my hurt and ignore everything else. Just let me sit here in my room all day and ignore the outside world. Let me sit here and proccess these emotions that have taken over my life, otherwise I'll have a massive breakdown at the smallest little things and we definitely don't want that again. There are even days where I'd rather not even acknowledge that I even had a baby. Sometimes its just easier that way. I must sound crazy right now. Saying that some days it's just easier to pretend I didn't have a baby and that everything is normal. Since when has my life ever been normal? I wish desperately that now, more than ever, my life was normal. I wish that instead of waking up alone I would wake up to a man that loves me and our precious child. I wish I was in my own home and raising my little girl. I wish a lot of things were different. But now that I've said that I want to go back and erase it because I know that by saying that someone is going to be hurting. Hurting for my pain.

I can't handle knowing that my pain is hurting someone else. Hopefully the person I worry about hurting the most doesn't read this for a while...

Adoption Day, June 18th

I woke up, and did my best to make myself presentable.
I did my hair for the first time in weeks, and put on make up.
Thank goodness for water proof mascara.

I quickly helped clean house and make food.
Everyone was coming over to my house to sign the adoption papers and have a sort of testimony meeting.
My mother was stressed beyond belief and I helped as best I could.
It's just kinda difficult since I had just given birth 3 days ago.
I was still pretty exhausted.

Around 11 people started showing up.
The Couple, and little Madden were first.
Followed by Stacy's parents, Justin's parents, My Aunt and Uncle, and finally my Caseworker and The Couple's rep from LDS Social Services.

Everyone was seated in the front room, and I was taken to the table to sign away my rights.
I was asked if there was any where private we could go to sign the papers since the front room was filled with people conversing and laughing...doing their best to give me my privacy.
But I didn't want to be anywhere else.
I wanted to be in that room, hearing the love for that little girl and being able to see Stacy holding her.
My mom sat next to me, and Sharon explained what every piece of paper was before I signed it.

The first sheet was placed in front of me, and explained.
This was the sheet that gave up all parental rights to Madden.
My Madden.
I sat there, and just stared at that sheet of paper and the pen in my hand.
I cried and cried for what felt like ages, but it was probably only a minute or two.
Finally, with tears in my eyes I signed my name.

More papers were given to me and I signed them as they came.
Finally, the paper work was done.

My mother held my hand and Sharon told me how amazing I was.
Tears kept streaming down my face.

Next was The Couple's paperwork.
Stacy handed Madden to me, and hugged me tightly.

I walked into the Kitchen and held this perfect little girl who had been mine up until a few moments ago.
I held her and tears just streamed down my face and onto Madden's blanket.
I kissed her face repeatedly and told her how much I love her.
Having her in my arms, I felt such love for this little girl and such love for Justin and Stacy.
I knew I was doing something good.
It hurt, but it was good.
The tears stopped, and The Couple finished signing their papers.

We all went back into the living room and sat down in a sort of make-shift circle.
Sharon opened the "meeting" and told me how proud she was of me for making this tough decision.
She said many things, but all I can really remember is looking down at the beautiful little perfect angel in my arms and how full my heart was.
Everyone in the room said something.
I teared up a little when it got to my parents, and even more so when it finally got to Justin and Stacy.
Justin talked about their journey to adoption, and first meeting me. He said the first moment they met me, the he knew I was going to be their birthmother. Their profile had been on the adoption website for TWO MONTHS when I had contacted them..that just astonished me.
Stacy made me cry even more. My love for her is very strong. She is such an amazing woman.
She was super emotional like me, and she said some amazing things.
There was just so much love in that room.

It got quiet, and I finally looked up and said,
"I feel like everyone is waiting for me to say something..."
There was laughter, and I was encouraged to say something.
I talked a little about Brandon..and how he looked at couples with me. I told everyone how excited I was that he chose a couple I liked and that this was before I even made contact with them. I felt such a connection with two people that I didn't even know...
I told them how I looked forward to their e-mails and text messages during those few months, and how difficult it was for me to finally ask them to parent my little girl.
I'm pretty sure that every face in that room was wet with tears by the time I had finished speaking.
But I could only see Justin and Stacy and the darling little girl in my hands.

I then did something I hadn't done since I was little...
I asked for a blessing.
In fact, I asked Justin for a blessing.
He was a little shocked, but gave me a beautiful blessing.
I wish It had been written down or something so I could treasure it forever.

Family cleared out, and The Couple stayed for a while with Madden.
It was nice to just relax and hang out with them.
The Couple gave me another bag of goodies.
This one included a necklace

"M" for Madden, and her birthstone a Pearl

and a gift card to Dolce Salon!
It also had a letter from Stacy, which I will always treasure.
There was also two sweet little notes from Justin's parents, and Justin's sister.

My favorite part was the little photo album that The Couple had put some pictures of Madden in.
(I know constantly print out pictures to put in it, and carry it pretty much every where.)

Saying goodbye was difficult, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I saw them again!
They invited me over for Father's Day to hang out for a little :)

I watched them drive away, and there was so much love in my heart for them, and for that precious little girl in their back seat.

Later that night I got on FaceBook and went to The Couple's pages.
They had posted a picture of Madden and people were freaking out!
I was too. I was so overjoyed that I had helped this family.
I had essentially created a family.
Something I never thought I'd do for someone other than myself.
I made a family.



The Family (Justin was making a face at my sister hahahah)



Friday, June 17th

"Hannah, go see her."

Such simple words....
but I couldn't gather up the courage to call The Couple and ask to come see Madden.

I walked into the kitchen, and sat down.
I wanted to see Madden so badly.
But I was taking percocet and legally couldn't drive out there to see her.
My mom came out and saw me crying at the counter.
She asked what was up, and I told her my predicament.
I didn't expect her to offer to drive me.
I knew she had a lot going on and that needed to get done that day.
But she insisted.
I also didn't expect for The Couple to text me and ask me if I would like to come watch Madden for a few hours while they went out and did some shopping.

I ran to my room, threw on some loose, comfy clothing and waited for my mom.
I was so excited to see Madden!!!

Being with Madden was just what I needed.
I gave her a bath
Fed her
and just held her in my arms.

She was so peaceful and yet again was my little Chill Baby.

Holding her asleep in my arms, I was finally able to rest peacefully.

Leaving her wasn't as difficult this time.
I was sad to be leaving again, but so overjoyed that I was able to see her.
No tears were shed the rest of the day.
I was content.

Leaving the Hospital

I woke up about 5 am wanting to hold and take care of Madden.
But I was still woozy after taking a sleeping pill earlier.
So I laid in my bed and cried, knowing my time with her was almost up.

I had a few friends come by that morning and say hello, and it was nice.
But all I could think about was having to say Goodbye to Madden in a few hours.

Dannielle, My gal pal!

My bestie Jared

My pal, Jake

More of The Couples Family

My cousin, Lee

Flowers, from my dad

Every chance I got, I held her.

Every moment alone I just stroked her hair and could not take my eyes off of her perfect little face.
I desperately wanted more time with her.

But she had her first Dr's appointment with The Couple that afternoon so we were sort of on a tight schedule.
I should have said something the day before...but since Madden and I were both doing so well there wasn't really a point in staying another day.
I wish now that I would have said something.

Although I was a wreck, I still did my best to keep myself together.
I took care of Madden, and visited with those that came through.

The Couple walked in with a huge bag.
I figured it was for Madden, but then they said it was for me.
It was filled with:
Modern Family Season 1 (which The Couple had been telling me I must see)
Popcorn
Popcorn Seasoning
Candy galore
A stuffed puppy, which Madden had as well
And a blanket made by Stacy and her mother

Cue more tears.

The hospital has a professional photographer and that was the last thing we went to do before leaving.
I was crying the entire time, and the photographer was sympathetic, but I could tell she thought I was just over-emotional.
My mom finally told her that I was placing Madden for adoption.
The mood in that room changed instantly and I could feel this strangers love for me.

We went back to my room to collect our belongings.
I changed clothes, and when I came back out the room was packed up and ready to go.
I was still crying my eyes out.

Leaving was the most difficult thing.
I was rolled out in a wheelchair with Madden in my arms, and tears streaming down my face.

I walked over to The Couple's car, and placed Madden in the car seat.
She was sound asleep and I couldn't stop kissing her perfect face.

Finally I pulled myself away and shut the car door.
I hugged The Couple goodbye and through the sobs I could hear them telling me
"Thank You"

I lowered myself into my mother's car, and watched The Couple and Madden drive away.
I did my best not to sob, but when we finally turned out of the parking lot I couldn't control it any longer.
My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest.
My mom was crying with me.

When we got home and unloaded all of my things into my room, I did my best to just focus on one thing at a time.
Put away clothes,
Put away toiletries,
Make bed,
Put water in many vases of flowers brought to me.

Finally, I ran out of thing to do.
I sat in my room, alone.
I couldn't believe how alone I felt.
I couldn't take it.
I walked into the front room with my family.
It didn't cure the loneliness.
I was so torn.
I wanted my little girl so badly.
My mom tried to talk to me, but I was so upset that I couldn't even rationally talk with her.

I finally just ran into my room, slammed the door, and sobbed.
I've never cried so hard in my entire life.
I can't even begin to describe to you how alone I felt.
I curled up into a ball, hugged my legs, and continued to sob.
My mom came in and tried to comfort me.
She was hurting for me, and that made me hurt even more.
She told me to call The Couple. They would understand and probably let me come and see Madden.
But I couldn't.
She called my dad into the room, and he gave me a blessing of comfort and peace.
Eventually I calmed down enough and my mom gave me a sleeping pill, and left me alone.

I laid in bed, and tears kept flowing down my face.
I didn't know what to do.
Finally, I picked up my phone and texted my caseworker Sharon.

This is what I sent to her....
"I don't even know how to start this or even what I really want to say. I just can't stop crying and I feel like I didn't get any time with Madden at all. I feel like a pain and a burden to everyone. It's too late now but I wish I could have had another night with her. I wish I had my 72 hours of just her. I can't even close my eyes without seeing her. I know placing is hard, but it is tearing me apart to not have her. But I can't just take her from Justin and Stacy either because I love them and can't bear the thought of taking her away from them. I just don't know what to do at all and I feel so alone without her. "


It took a while, but finally I fell asleep.
I woke up to this response...
"Hannah, go see her."